Bone-a-fide

Farewell Bone-a-fide

2010-02-26T09:25:00.000-08:00

It’s been seven months since my last post. It’s time to accept this blog is done. Yet, I came here to close the account and found myself wanting to write. I think the issue isn’t that I don’t want to blog, but that the frame for my blog “Bone-a-fide: true tales of life after bone cancer” isn’t how I think of my life or myself right now. And that’s a good thing. I’m no longer in the thick of recovery, no longer as identified with life in relation to the Big Event. I'm healthy! The experience has shaped me greatly and will continue to shape me, but it's time to explore new shapes. Perhaps I will have another blog soon. We’ll see if I’m inspired to post a link in the next week or so. Either way, thanks to all who stopped by and shared the journey these last four years.
Love,
Sara

Success!

2009-08-04T09:47:00.000-07:00

July was a flurry of hard work, fun, and some beautiful gifts:

#1. The “Night of Tumorous Comedy to Benefit Sarcoma” show at the Bovine Metropolis Theatre on July 22nd was a great success. We had a nearly-sold-out theater and raised almost $1,000 for the Liddy Shriver international Team Sarcoma Initiative. The first hour of the show featured interweaving monologues by three survivors, including Pam Farone (skin cancer), and Betsy Vajtay (brain tumor), and me (chondrosarcoma). The second half was improv from the Gypsy Cab Co., followed by a reception. Thank you to everyone who came out to support the effort! I think it was a great night entertainment and connection.

#2. Two weeks before the benefit show my co-workers surprised me with the gift of sending me to the Lighthouse Writers Retreat in Grand Lake. I was stunned (still am, really) by their kindness and generosity. I’m so thankful because I was able to spend a week in beautiful Grand Lake hiking, writing, learning, being inspired, and meeting cool and talented writer-people. Pretty much the best vacation recipe ever.

#3. I officially finished my book! Like, submitted-the-requested-full-manuscript official. Please send out good thoughts that I get matched with the perfect agent for my book!

#4. Off to New York City next week for my annual check-up (yes the crazy dreams have begun), and 4-days in the Catskills.

"A Night of Tumorous Comedy" to Benefit Sarcoma Research

2009-06-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

Please save the date!: Wednesday, July 22, 2009
"A Night of Tumorous Comedy" to Benefit Sarcoma Research

The evening will include:
* Monologues by Pam Farone, Betsy Vajtay, & Sara Alan
* Improv comedy by the Gypsy Cab Co.
* Food, drinks, and fun!

Date: Wednesday, July 22, 2009 Time: Show at 7:30pm, reception to follow Location: The Bovine Metropolis Theater Address: 1527 Champa St., Denver, CO Tickets: $15 to benefit the Team Sarcoma Intitiative

Exciting & Writing

2009-03-31T08:28:00.000-07:00

April is shaping up to be a full-fledged writer’s month for me. This weekend I'll be co-teaching an Improv for Writers workshop at a local conference. I love co-teaching with my friend, and I’m very excited about the curriculum we’ve developed.

Then, in the fourth weekend of April, I’ll be at the Pikes Peak Writers Conference in Colorado Springs. Where...(drum roll)...I'll be receiving an award for winning the Pikes Peak Writers Fiction Contest in the category of young adult! I’m thrilled!

And I bet, considering my blog, you'd never guess where I got the inspiration for the book...

It's a romantic story about a teenage comedienne who receives a heartbreaking diagnosis and how she grapples with the decision she has to make. (Surprised?)

I've been working on this book for a while and it's been such a different experience from improv. (Not necessarily the creating process, but as far as the reaction part.) With improv you know instantly if what you're doing is working...either the audience reacts or they don't. With this book it's been entirely for my own enjoyment, not really knowing if it would speak to someone else. Winning this contest is the first sign from the outside world that I'm at least headed in the right direction. Yay! (Must get to writing those thank you notes to the wonderful judges!)

And I’m hoping if I'm ever lucky enough for this story to be published that it would be one small way to bring greater awareness to sarcomas. Wouldn't that be cool?

That part of the dream is a ways off, though. This month, I get to celebrate having an actual writing win to my name, fun conferences to attend, and writerly-people to meet!

Sara...

2008-12-09T08:16:00.000-08:00

Is excited for Christine!
Hates learning the hard way.
Misses her sister.
Is thankful for her home.
Is HAPPY about having a SAD lamp.
Didn’t get any sleep last night.
Wonders if she should have tried to be famous after all.
Just finished two good YA books (BLOODHOUND & CROOKED).
Wants the house decorated for Christmas, but doesn’t feel like decorating.
Thinks 09/29/09 is a good sounding date. Better than 09/29/08 anyway.
Hopes Betsty is healing well from her second surgery.
Likes the snow.
Hates school zones.
Is doing a lot of filing.
Needs to take a Quickbooks class.
Enjoyed catching up with Megan on Sunday.
Really hates fighting.
Hopes she can pay her cc bill this month.
Has been exercising more than ever.
Wants more coffee…

Check-up report

2008-11-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

Good news. I had my check-up in NYC two weeks ago. At this point it’s always so weird to walk into that hospital. I remember the very first time I had to get scans, when I thought it was just some annoying bump on my leg. Everything in the hospital was so foreign and finding my way around so confusing. I remember thinking “I don’t ever want this to become routine.” But, of course, now it is.

I walk through the doors on 67th street and the anxiety starts racing I know I feel good, but what if.... I walk past the patient billing department and hope the approval for x-rays and a visit came through from my insurance, even though I didn’t double check. I hope I didn’t just waste a flight across the country for nothing. Walk through the elevator doors to Radiology on the second floor. Show them my MSKCC ID, get a locker key, and change into the awkward gown. Sit under the x-ray machine and pray that the scans show my leg is all clear, even though it’s probably too late to pray at that point. On the bed under that machine I turn to each next position before the radiologist even finishes her instruction because I know what comes next. I get changed and go up to the 5th floor to the doctor suites. And wait. And wait.

I’m so used to the steps of it all, but that doesn’t mean my emotions are any calmer from the routine. They run crazy until the resident comes in and says (blessedly), “the x-rays look great.” RELIEEEEEF!

Dr. Healey didn’t have a bow-tie on this time. That’s different. He’s still a sweety, though. I have so much to thank him for every moment of my life. It's a weird relationship to have with someone you don’t share more than a few sentences with each year. And I got all the news I was hoping to hear: 1. No cancer 2. Bone looks strong and continues to heal well 3. I can start coming for check-ups on an annual basis instead of every six months. YAY!

Of course, this, sadly, will cut my Walking & Wine Salon time with Matt in half. And offer fewer wonderful dinners and conversations with the Botts like I got to enjoy this time around. But I’ll definitely take fewer check-ups. Maybe Brian and I could fly back JUST FOR FUN for once!

Please pray for Betsy!

2008-10-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,

Today I blog with a very special request: Please pray for our friend Betsy! At this moment she is having surgery to remove a tumor from her brain.

Betsy is a hilarious and talented improviser and has a beautiful, effervescent spirit. She's one of those people that just brightens a room with her presence. The prognosis for her surgery is good, but obviously this is very major surgery so the more people we have sending healing, loving thoughts her way the better! Thank you!

1st Anniversary: Paper

2008-09-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

It’s our first anniversary today! A very happy and exciting day. Brian and I ended up being able to celebrate in a few special ways:

1. We spent last week in beautiful Oaxaca, Mexico visiting our friend Megan, along with our friends Matt and Tim. We had a blast. More on that from me later. Or, you can find about our adventures directly from Matt on Megan’s blog now. (I highly recommend it, since it's much funnier and in much more detail than I will write about it.)

2. On Saturday our friends Sam and Kerstin got married in Grand Lake. (Yay Sam and Kerstin!) Since it was the same weekend Brian and I got married last year it felt extra poetic. The sun was shining like it was (for the most important moments) last year and the leaves were once again at their golden peak. It was gorgeous, and we felt lucky to celebrate our friends’ love and commitment to each other while happily celebrating our own first year of marriage right in all that autumn mountain glory.

3. We decided that since paper is the traditional first-year anniversary gift, we would get each other the most special paper possible…our actual wedding certificate! Yes, that’s right folks: our little secret is out. Brian and I, while spending all our energy and focus on the ceremony and party last year, we never managed to acquire the official certificate. Soooo, we decided to get governmentally married on our anniversary! And I’m happy to say we’ve proven that NEITHER of us have commitment issues after all, and we just got back from the city clerk’s office with our certificate in hand. It was a pretty fun way to spend our anniversary lunch together. I’m also happy to report that after 13 years of friendship, 6-7 years of dating, and 1 year of marriage; I still feel like the luckiest girl around.

Tonight we'll celebrate even more traditionally by having dinner at our favorite restaurant.

To LOVE, y’all!

Brick. House.

2008-08-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

Exciting news, everyone! Brian and I BOUGHT A HOUSE! As long as everything goes smoothly with the closing this Friday, we will be homeowners! Yes, that’s right; I’ve elected to never again be able to walk by overgrown plants, cracked sinks, and broken screen doors with a blind eye. This is a serious amount of responsibility.

I need to quickly and miraculously learn how to xeriscape, and foster an until-now-dormant green thumb.

On the plus side, we now have an investment. This home is ours and we will reside here for a loooong time. Which means, I get to decorate, paint, and put up shelves with the zeal of a Pottery Barn catalog designer.

New Challenge

2008-07-15T15:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I was a day shy of making it a week with my Diary blog entries. It was fun (for me) while it lasted.

Now I'm on to a new challenge. Team Sarcoma Week started on Saturday and as a member of ABC Survivors I'm posting replies to the challenges every day for the week. One of the challenges asked us to write about how Sarcoma changed our lives. I thought it was a good question and decided to post my response here as well:

I’m amazed I can still bike, dance, do yoga. And every time I do it’s more than exercise--it's a celebration--because there was a very real chance I wouldn’t be able to do any of that again.

On the flip side, every morning I awkwardly walk down the stairs holding tightly to the railing and wonder how it is that I still can’t do this very simple action with grace. Two months before every check up I start having anxiety attacks and can't get to sleep. I'm too close of friends with my ice machine and bottle of Advil. I don’t like having senior citizens breezily hike past me. I wish I could run (even when I’m not being chased).

But those are only the physical differences. Surviving gave me totally new perspective. I still fall into old mental and emotional habits, sure, but the layers are different. They don't have as much power. The important things are...more important now. I’m a survivor now and that strength and knowledge and connection is carried with me in everything I do.

Dear Diary #6

2008-06-29T19:49:00.000-07:00

We saw the movie WALL-E today. Beautiful! Charming! Delightful! I learned that humans need to take better care of the environment or they’ll get real fat, and that robots are ADORABLE.

We’re still going back and forth with offers and counter-offers on the house.

It was a beautiful day in Denver.

Dear Diary #5

2008-06-28T08:21:00.000-07:00

Well, we didn't get home until 2am, so I missed yesterday's entry...I'll try to double up today.

I had two Impulse shows last night and they were SO incredibly fun. It was even nicer that Brian and some family and friends were there to see the first show and shower me with accolades that made my ego all glowy.

After the second show Brian and I and the cast hung out on the patio at the Walnut Room and had some drinks and good conversation. I had a rough start back at that theater last year, but I feel the cast is really solidifying in its new formation and getting stronger; it’s a blast to be part of something so silly and good.

Also, I rode thirty miles by getting myself around town this week on my bike! I hope to do a long ride tomorrow and get up to my weekly goal of 50-60 miles a week.

Dear Diary #4

2008-06-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

It was a lovely day today. Sun shining, clear skies, exciting things happening.

Our Plays Well With Others show last night ROCKED. The house was full, the opening group was fantastic, and our set flowed perfectly. There were only three of us from PWWO there last night—Spencer, Sam, and me. We tried a form we called the “Triumvirate of Truth.” After our opener it was one long scene with the same three characters and it was the first time in a while I did long form and felt so IN IT. As did the guys. We all felt so connected to our characters and relationships. I didn’t have to think; I just enjoyed the ride. And the audience seemed to love it, too.

In house-hunting news: Brian and I looked at a house today and, for the first time, BOTH felt it was THE house. Very exciting. But apparently I’m not supposed to get TOO excited. So, please just keep your fingers crossed that if this IS the one for us, it will be ours…at the price we’re comfortable with. YAY!

Dear Diary #3

2008-06-25T11:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Blogiary:

Hooray for Bike to Work Day! I joined Brian for a morning ride along the Cherry Creek Path. There were "free breakfast" stations set up all over Denver for those using alternative modes of transport today. (Go Denver!) We stopped for coffee and when we came back to our bikes the Clif Bar Fairy had left us each a tasty treat in our seats. Sweet.

Tonight I have a Plays Well With Others show at the Avenue Theater and we are so lucky to be joined by the Dish Water Blondes. They’re awesome. It’ll be a great night of improv.

Love,

Sara

Dear Diary #2

2008-06-24T21:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I went to my energy-worker-healer lady today. I love her! She’s amazing. I feel like she got me back into balance. She told me to just let myself play and enjoy instead of letting the Big Goals and work worries weigh on me when I’m spending time with friends. A good reminder.

But the thing I really loved is the other piece of advice she gave me, which is to say to the Universe: “I’m grateful for what I have, but I want more.”

Isn’t that great? So simple.

Love,

Sara

Trudy

2008-06-23T20:51:00.001-07:00

At Impulse Theater we took our cast "family photo" last week. I named my character Trudy:

The Lovely Diary Challenge

2008-06-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

I was inspired today by a Danish girl who is fighting liver cancer. Each day she writes an entry in her "secret diary" and in such a happy tone. Almost every day is a “lovely” day. Her entries are short and concise and so positive. I would like to try that and see if I can write a short simple entry every day. "The Lovely Diary Challenge."

Here goes:

Dear Diary,

Today was a lovely day. I felt really lucky for the life I have. I started my day by biking and it felt like vacation rather than a work day. Shouldn’t every day feel like vacation, work or no? I hope to ride 10 miles a day three days a week and then do a 20-30 mile ride on Saturdays or Sundays. (I’m pretending I’m training for Team Sarcoma, even though I can’t go this year.) I was able to support Mary in her Team Sarcoma ride today, which is exciting since she’s the one that made that magical experience possible for me last year!

We are house hunting and I’ve become quite obsessed. I’m trying to learn the balance between effort and letting go. I’m searching for something like “effortless action.”

I need to write about the Case of the Missing Bike Miracle, a story many of you probably already know, but I’d still like to document.

Love,

Sara

It's Just Brunch

2008-05-29T22:17:00.000-07:00

As a follow-up to my last post about the pilot we shot, Brian tells me they have a picture of me making kind of a possessed face on the It's Just Brunch homepage...

The quote they put next to my name--while curiously accurate--was not actually mine.

Good news is, Brian got called to film more stuff for them tomorrow! Yay!

My husband, the SUPERSTAR

2008-05-21T08:35:00.000-07:00

Yup. This is my husband in the pale blue suit. The mustache-clad man I’ve vowed my life to…

I couldn't be more proud.

This weekend Brian and I both shot a pilot in Denver where we played improvised characters. It was super fun, and would be even more fun if the show actually gets picked up and our little parts are aired. Then, immediately following “the shoot,” we jettisoned Brian off to LA so he could shoot a short film where he got to play this suave game show host! It was a Rockstar weekend for him.

It’s been a creatively exciting month all-around for us (I went to a writing conference a few weeks ago, pitched my young adult novel to an agent and she requested the first chapter, which was nice encouragement). Brian has been getting more and more paid gigs, and in June I’ll start teaching a workshop with my friend Pam called “Transform Your Improv,” which Brian is coordinating through the Bovine. I’m really excited for it.

In case you’re wondering about the mustache-status, in a misguided moment, I actually encouraged Brian to keep this mustache for one work day…it’s going to be a long day of mustache jokes for everyone...

Too particular

2008-04-28T16:23:00.000-07:00

I admit it: I’m becoming too particular. I’m turning myself into a stereotype. What was the breaking point moment of my realization? Picture, if you will:

I’m at the mall after work shopping for “cute but supportive” shoes. (That word "supportive" matched with shoes = health-nerd clue #1.) There will be no Sex and the City-worthy foot fashion to be found in my closet. I’m sipping a freshly juiced parsley-cucumber-apple-carrot-ginger juice. For real. My eyes are bloodshot from the effects of a single glass of wine the night before throwing off the highly alkaline ph I had built up from a two-week raw-food cleanse.

Through heavy eyes, I squint down at my Danskos. Nothing less sexy than those shoes, I think. Until I slip them off and notice the putty-colored lift in the left heel. That’ll top ‘er. I also see that I’ve spent the day wearing a pair of black pants that were hemmed too high and don’t quite cover my ankles. Like the organic cherry on top of this vegan-nerd-sundae, my plastic Q-link--which protects me from the dangerous Electro-Magnetic Rays that surround us and which I wear attached to a chain around my neck--dangles out of its hiding spot under my sweater and into plain site. As if to greet everyone with a big “Hello, yes, I’m paranoid of even the things I can’t see or feel.”

Also, my hair was a little greasy because I felt too tired that morning to wash it properly on account of the wild night of imbibing one glass of wine.

Yeah...arch-support shoes, high-water pants, an inability to handle small quantities of alcohol, and the ultimate accessory of paranoia. In that moment, I felt like a super hot catch. It’s hard to even make fun of myself at this point. I would need someplace to go to be able heighten the joke—but I’ve already heightened it with my actual choices. I AM the joke.

Results are in...

2008-04-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

Congratulations. Because of you using your voice for change, our country has restored its sense of hope in democracy and the possibility of a bright future for our children…oh wait…no, not quite yet. But I AM waaay closer to deciding on a kickass haircut.

I love having you all vote on my life decisions. Fun! Here are the results from my poll:

#1
2 votes for the Anne Heche look
1 vote for the Justine Bateman look
1 vote for something different
Decision: you will have to wait until this Saturday when I get my haircut to find out.

#2
A mix of opinions.
Decision: I will go back to college so I can become Amy Poehler when I grow up.

#3
Majority ruled for “doing my taxes.” I listened to the people, and the experience was HORRIBLE. Not only do I OWE money for the first time in my life, I owe A LOT of money. So long savings account. The benefit was I finally cleaned my office and got a ton of filing done as well. It was miserable work, but I’m glad to be able to see my office floor again.

Vote! (On my life)

2008-04-02T10:50:00.000-07:00

Okay folks, in the spirit of the election year, I’m inviting you to practice your voting powers on...my life!:

#1. I know they're similar, but which Men in Trees star should I style my next hair cut after?:
A: Return to my Justine Bateman style
B: Go with the slightly fullerAnne Heche look
C: None of the above

#2. Right now I'm doing too much. So my question to you is: based on what you know about me, what should I focus on? (Or said another way, what should I be when I grow up!?!):
A: Finish writing my young adult novel

B: Improviser and workshop teacher
C: Start my own yoga business
D: Stick to what I'm doing 4FR

E: Some combo of the above
F: All of the above
G: None of the above; instead I should be _____________

#3. What SUPER FUN thing should I do this weekend?:
A: My taxes
B: FINALLY take care of my wedding dress
C: Clean out the closets and donate my old clothes

Sarcoma/ABC T-shirts!

2008-03-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

My Team Sarcoma/ABC-Survivors shirt arrived today! I got the pale yellow ringer, and it's totally cute. It has the Team Sarcoma logo on the front and the names of the members of ABC-Survivors group on the back. Cool! Thanks, Mary for making these!

If you want to support Team Sarcoma by getting your own shirt (they come in all styles) click HERE.

Get your shirt in time for International Sarcoma Awareness Week, July 12-20, 2008!

2 Year Milestone

2008-03-10T08:46:00.000-07:00

I forgot to give a follow up on my visit to Dr. Healey! He said he “couldn’t be more pleased” with my recovery. My lung and leg scans all look great and he congratulated me for passing the two-year mark—an “important milestone” in my recovery. YAY!

He said I still need to be careful, as he would consider me susceptible to fracture for about another year as the blood supply continues to return to my femur. So no jumping for Sara.

It was also fun to visit my PA and NY friends. Matt and Tim and I basically spent our day and a half together in Brooklyn eating and talking and eating some more. Perfect. A big topic of conversation was building on Megan’s and my hopes for a Teleporter (see image) to be developed quickly so we could share Team Brunches and Wine Salons whenever we want without having to fly across the country. C’mon scientists! Stop working on LCD screens and get to the TELEPORTER already. We’re WAITING.

Engage!

2008-02-14T15:12:00.000-08:00

I swear this new doctor I’m seeing, Dr. Blaich, is a miracle worker. People can say what they will about the validity of applied kinesiology, but all I know is…it’s working!

Today I went in concerned about pain in my left thigh and knee. The muscle hasn't been building back for as much as I’ve been trying. Every time I try to exercise lately there has been at least a little pain and swelling and I haven't been able to extend my leg without crazy-gross kneecap crunching. So, it’s been very discouraging as far as trying to exercise without pain. He did some muscle testing and determined that my quads were not even engaged. He suspected my body was still treating all the nails and metal plates as injuries and shut down the muscles around that area as a result. He did a few pressure point massages and other things that seemed like voodoo, and a few minutes later, I could feel a dramatic difference in my leg’s ability to resist pressure. What’s even better is a half hour later I didn’t feel any pain in my leg!!! It's so rare in life to enjoy immediate results...and so satisfying. Yay!

I’ve been seeing him for a month now and I’ve noticed a dramatic difference in all the other areas of health I went in for help with as well: digestion (he diagnosed me as soy and dairy intolerant--egads thats frusterating, especially as a vegetarian!); energy and mood (he said my adrenals were shot and gave me a supplement that made me feel clearer and happier within a week); and my neck and shoulder pain that was causing headaches. Hooray for skilled holistic healers…and for working enough jobs to pay for them!

Six months already?!

2008-02-12T14:42:00.000-08:00

Next Monday I have my six month follow up with Dr. Healey. So, of course, the good ol’ Anxiety Monster has been making it difficult to sleep lately. It will also be the first follow-up since I started back at Impulse Theater where I’ve been running around the stage more than I “should”--which, for me, is none. Last time Dr. Healey gave me strict instructions to “only run when chased.” So, I’ve probably been pushing it in the heat of the moment. It will be good to be assured that everything is still structurally sound.

Other updates:
1. My mom got diagnosed with Patellofemoral Syndrome. She has no cartilage left in her knees and has begun gait training to learn how to walk and exercise correctly for the first time in her life. Go mom! Apparently, it’s a genetic condition, so—especially with my post-surgery knee issues—I have to beware. In fact, I started seeing an amazing chiropractor/applied kinesiologist who looked at my left leg X-ray and said my kneecap was wearing unevenly.

2. I’m super excited about the heated race for the democratic presidential candidate. I even caucused last week! What a strange and ridiculous process that is. And even though I hold a degree in political science, I still don’t get the Super Delegates thing. Or maybe I’m just appalled it’s still part of the election process. SO archaic!

3. Despite anxiety about my check-up, I’m looking forward to just getting on a plane and leaving work and responsibilities behind for a few days. And to see my friends!

4. Books: I took the night off last night and read LUSH by Natasha Friend, a YA novel (8th grade) about a girl dealing with her father’s alcoholism. My friend Ben gave it to me for my birthday (thanks, Ben!). It was a well-told story and even made me cry. Then I started another YA (older teens) called GRAFFITI GIRL by Kelly Para. So far the characters are fresh and the writing engaging. On the plane this weekend I hope to finally finish DEVIL IN THE WHITE CITY by Eric Larson (thanks, Megan!). It's a nonfiction book that reads like a thriller. It's about Chicago during the time of the World's Fair and looks at two famous men during that time--genius architect Daniel Burnham and serial killer Dr. H. H. Holmes. It's extra interesting to me since Daniel Burnham is my great-great uncle!

Of Mouse and Bad Men

2008-02-04T16:03:00.000-08:00

What exciting things is Sara up to on her 31st birthday today? WELL. Let me tell you the insanely adventurous thing I did today! You will never believe it; it is SO exciting and crazy…

I switched the primary and secondary buttons on my mouse so I’m using my LEFT hand to operate my mouse! CRAAAAZZZY TIME!!!

Who knew I’d turn so freakin’ WILD at 31? Who?! Not I.

I switched it because my right shoulder is hurting and every time I click my mouse it exacerbates the pain, so I TRICKED it by flippin’ sides an’ gettin’ all ambidextrous up on my computer, yo.

I guess this fact alone proves I have aged another year.

However, on the upside of aging (drum roll)…this week I will write two checks to pay of THE LAST OF A DECADE OF CREDIT CARD DEBT! Older, wiser, and richer, folks. Believe it. So while I’m not celebrating in Paris like on my 30th last year, 31 has turned out to be a grand mark in my life.

Tonight Brian is taking me to dinner at my favorite restaurant, Vesta’s, and then to a movie. Please don’t ask what movie. But I’ll tell you it’s gonna be a FLUFF movie with no sweeping artistic cinematography, no meaningful score designed to unnerve you, and no evil men fulfilling their darkest desires. No glimmer of hope for an Oscar nomination. That’s what I want to watch on my birthday.

I’ll tell you why. Because, after catching up on Oscar nominated movies and the latest art flicks I’m plain sick of watching stories about the darkest side of man. All these movies are depressing, with a majority of them highlighting protagonists who are simply BAD MEN. At first it was novel and interesting to have unhappy endings and plotlines with little to hope for (THERE WILL BE BLOOD, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, & BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD), but now I want a cute storyline with a little comedy and romance and a hero I can root for!

Happy Birthday to all my Aquarius friends!

30 going on 17

2008-01-22T09:05:00.000-08:00

Once again over a month has gone by since I last blogged. I am OVERWHELMED by the schedule I have created for myself! The trouble is I love all the “extracurriculars” I’m involved in, but with my current work schedule, it’s all a bit too much for my sensitive nature.

It’s not lost on me that as I’m careening towards my 31st birthday, I feel much the same as I did in high school when I was involved in drama club, speech team, backstage crew, comedy troupe, and performing in whatever play was being produced at the moment. I clearly remember the meeting I had my senior year with my mom and guidance counselor, where they sat me down and said I had to give up something. But the only thing I wanted to give up was the academic part of school! (Apparently, THAT wasn’t an option…harrumph.) Here I am again, not wanting to give up any of the improv groups or projects I’m involved in, and clearly can’t abandon the whole getting-a-paycheck-and-health-care part of life. Why do I have to relearn the same lessons in life?

I need to have a talk with my inner-guidance counselor, stat!

Truthfully, I wish I was the kind of person (like my husband) who could just HANDLE and feel ENERGIZED by the full schedule, instead of feeling drained by it. That would be the most ideal solution, but until I find a way to change my intrinsic self, I’m going to have to take a rest.

In exciting news, I bought myself a bike-trainer for Christmas. Now I ride my lovely road bike in the warmth and comfort of my living room while listening to Bloc Party or re-watching episodes of Arrested Development. Yeah! That at least adds a healthy balance to my overloaded schedule.

Anniversary

2007-12-15T08:06:00.000-08:00

Today is an exciting day, folks!

[The writing on my legs says: "Bon Voyage, Cancer!"; "We love Dr. Healey"; and "Please, not this leg!" (written on my right leg)]

Two years ago today I was a few hours through the ten hour surgery that removed cancer from 24 cm of my left femur and knee. My mom and friends were gathered in support at Memorial Sloan Kettering anxiously waiting for news. At that point we didn’t know if Dr. Healey would be able to save my own bone with cryosurgery, or if I’d wake up with a donor bone inside me. We didn’t know if I’d be able to fully bend or straighten my leg again.

One year ago today I had just moved to walking on a cane after eleven months on crutches. I was missing my all my friends in New York, I felt isolated working alone from home, and didn’t having the energy to brave the cold and ice with my cane to go out to see people much.

And here I am today. Last night I did two 90-minute improv shows back-to-back, zipping around the stage in front of sold-out audiences of 160+. This morning I worked on (finally) uploading the photos from our beautiful wedding this year, which I danced my toosh off at with my amazing husband. This morning I’m going to take a friend out for her birthday brunch, and then go work with two other new friends on an exciting project we’ve been developing. I’m one payment away from being out of eight years of credit card debt, which exploded again with all the extra expenses associated with my recovery. Tomorrow I’ll teach yoga.

It’s funny because things haven’t felt perfect lately, but I realize in writing this how far I’ve come, how much I have to be thankful for, how lucky I am for the loved ones that grace my life and support me endlessly. How, when put in perspective, things are perfect, right now, today.

Thank you to all of you for that gift.

Feed me

2007-11-02T07:45:00.000-07:00

“Genuine renunciation is born out of the growing awareness that in every moment of our life, in every situation, we are completely preoccupied with nothing other than trying to feed ourselves, glut and stuff ourselves with whatever feels good—physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually. At a certain point, it all becomes so disgusting that we want to walk away from the whole thing, no matter what the cost.” ~ quote from the Dharma Ocean website (www.dharmaocean.org).

Folks, I don’t know about you, but this quote rings so true for me right now. Maybe it’s the vacuum created by the enormous transition that just took place with the wedding. Or maybe it’s the holiday fever on the horizon, the changing of the weather, shorting of the days, or the delightfully-dreadful return of primetime TV. Whatever it is, I’ve been feeling this overwhelming need to “fill” myself. I’ve been eating more, watching more TV, packing my “dance card” full of activities, and feeling this general anxiety of What next, What do I need to do.

I truly felt like my best self on the day of our wedding. The same is true for the day of my surgery almost two years ago. On both days I felt healthy, strong, centered, and calm. Why can’t I always live like I’m preparing for my wedding or surgery?

How do we align ourselves with our best intentions even when there isn’t a big event to prepare for? I guess the answer to that is: practice. And as the quote above suggests, renunciation. Sometimes giving up comforts or habits that no longer serve us feels like suffering, but in reality, it's the key to relieving our deeper suffering.

It's also about finding the balance, the middle path. As humans, we tend to swing on the pendulum between the highs and lows of life. It’s true there are natural cycles to life, and I’m not suggesting we need to constantly be on or perfect by any means. But I do think that during the most important cycles in our life—the ones that are calm and silent and seemingly not monumental—many of us get uncomfortable and try to stuff that "void" with whatever we think may temporarily make us feel better; when really it’s those times that are ripe with possibility for our greatness growth.

It’s my intention to not go through another holiday season like Ms. Pac-Man.

Married!

2007-10-29T19:14:00.001-07:00

Hi folks! It’s been three months since my last post, but I’m back! AND, I’m a MARRIED woman now. Can you believe it?! Mrs. Alan (I didn’t change my name), but I’m a Mrs. now!

The wedding was beautiful, magical, fun, wonderful…everything I envisioned but even better. (See pics below.) The ceremony was especially magical. We will be able to happily look back on that moment forever. I now have this sacred space to recall in my mind any time I need to be buoyed...need to remember what this life is really about. I finally understand the purpose of ceremony and ritual.

And Mother Nature did a stellar job too, I must say. We had every season on our wedding day. (Clouds, cold, and rain in the morning; sunshine and warmth for the two hours during our photos and ceremony; and then snow that night!) The aspen leaves were at their absolute prime and the sky was an amazing blue.

And the reception was a blast. I DANCED a ton! I was able to dance at my wedding!!! Just like I hoped and wished for. Brian and I even had a choreographed dance that we forgot half of but still managed to pull off with some style, and had fun to boot. I could really go on and on about how special it all was. And the honeymoon was super fun too.

It’s been a weird transition back to normal life this past month. But we’ve been performing improv a ton. Brian and I got asked to join one of our favorite long-form improv groups in town, Plays Well with Others, and I officially returned to Impulse Theater after six years and had my first show back a week ago. Brian and I also did our two-person improv show last Monday at the Hootenany at the Bovine Metropolis Theater and it went really well. I love that my favorite person to perform improv with is also my HUSBAND!

Thanks for being patient with me, and I hope you all are enjoying fall and doing great.

Here are the table cards and programs we made, as well as the prayer flags we hung around our circular ceremony site...

That handsome devil (my husband), and our attendants...

Our second kiss as husband and wife, one of our ring bearers (Brian's newphew), and that Mother Nature magic!...

What a ride

2007-07-23T22:18:00.001-07:00

I am back from Vermont, and after two days, still finding it difficult to process this last week. But since I did not manage to complete more than two sentences of journaling during the entire trip, I’m forcing myself to write, in hopes it will jostle the collage of emotions into relatable thoughts and words.

Open-hearted.

That is the word that best describes my experience. I loved everyone on Team Sarcoma instantaneously. It is rare to feel comfortable, and indeed have it be the most natural thing, to hug strangers upon meeting them. But with the shared experience of battling sarcoma, with all the lost loved ones, words often couldn't suffice. Instant community.

It was a high paced, emotionally charged week. Moments of joy and bliss for what I was experiencing and for who I was sharing it all with, and long notes of sorrow for those who could not be there, for those we remembered.

The rides were beautiful. With all the hills they were challenging too. I felt vibrantly alive and free, and seemed to get stronger with each ride. At times I would look around me and feel a rush of pure bliss. My energy could have allowed me to do the longer rides, but my left leg is still so much weaker that I couldn’t stop my right leg from compensating on the hills and I didn’t want to push it. (Plus, Mom and I were SLOW compared to all the athletic Europeans and the Shriver boys who consistently did the long rides in the same time it took us to complete the short ones!)

We swam in lakes, splashed in rivers, visited local craftsmen, saw cows, chipmunks, ducks, deer, hens, goats. We ate and ate, laughed and laughed, cried, played, prayed, and went to bed thoroughly exhausted every night.

We were lucky to have sunshine the first four days, and to be shaded from it with rain the last three (though frankly, I was pretty bored of the rain the last day when I simply wanted to spend more time in the lake!). Mom and I biked about 30 miles each day, except Wednesday when it poured and we made the astute decision to hang out at the luxurious Trapp Lodge with our new Chicagoland friends, Maribeth and Caroline. Caroline taught us pilates, I taught yoga, and then we got massages and sat in the hot tub. A perfect mid-week day to restore.

There were people from all over the world in our group—France, Spain, Mexico, Denmark, Netherlands, Japan, Poland, and states across the US. I would like to write how each of them touched my heart this last week, but I lack the poetry, so instead I will share a few pictures:

Sweet Reagan from Utah, recently finished treatment (this is right before we went looking for chipmunks on the Trapp Lodge land).

The Chicagoland ladies: Mom, Caroline, Maribeth, and me.

I hosted the Thursday night dance party! Woo hoo! (There's Mary-Elizabeth from the Chondro Yahoo group second from the left.)

Thank you so much, Bruce and Beverly!

And thank you to everyone who sponsored me, and encouraged me!

On the ride

2007-07-16T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hello from Middlebury Vermont! I'm still in bike clothes and filthy after our 32 mile ride today, but I wanted to take time to blog since I didn't find time to say, "I'm on my way!" before I left last Friday. What can I say?

I am GIDDY with joy! I love, love, love this experience so far. I love bicycling, I love Vermont, and I love all the wonderful people involved--from our kick-ass tour guides who I want to be like, to all the beautiful individuals and families here because of their sarcoma experiences.

Saturday, July 13 (16 miles)

Mom and I spent the morning shopping in Burlington, then went to the hotel to register and get our bikes and took off on our first "warm-up" ride of 16 miles around the lake. It was an easy and beautiful ride and a great start to the week.

Sunday July 14 (28 miles)

It was a long, intense day. Mom and I had a rough start to the ride, got a little lost, and felt like we spent the whole day catching up to the rest of the riders. It was a hot, sunny ride with lots of big hills. Then we were up until 11pm because we all shared our stories after dinner. That part was great--hearing everyone's story, but it made for an exhausting day, physically and emotionally.

Monday July 15 (32 miles)

A truly amazing day. A challenging, but beautiful ride with good spirits and good riding buddies--all in all just a total feeling of bliss for this gift of being able to cycle and be part of this Team Sarcoma event. I'm going to teach restorative yoga tonight here at the Middlebury Inn.

Magic!

2007-07-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

Brian and I rode THIRTY miles yesterday to the Cherry Creek Reservoir and back! It was a glorious ride, and even though Brian got a flat tire, he was prepared with his tire-repair kit (I was so impressed) so it didn’t even detract from our day (so unlike a car tire flat). And, while I definitely felt wobbly afterward, I regained my energy pretty quickly and my leg is fine today. WOO HOO! Next time we ride there, we’ll make sure to bring our swim suits.
New gadgets that have helped my rides:
1. Padded bike shorts (my bum thanks me)
2. CamelBak (makes hydration SO much easier)
3. Sporty sunglasses (keeps the sun and bugs out of my eyes—yay!)
4. Clif Blocks (like gummy bears for outdoor enthusiasts)

Another highlight of this weekend: I made a totally raw, organic, vegan “cheese” out of almonds. It was like magic. I also made a raw marinara sauce from scratch. I put them together over peeled zucchini, for a fresh meal of Raw Zucchetti. Even Brian liked it! Success!

All in all, looking back where I was last July, my life feels flipped 180. And it feels good.

Swan Mountain Pass

2007-06-25T08:35:00.000-07:00

I had a mildly triumphant weekend.

First of all, Perry and Colin stopped through Colorado on their cross-country road trip from NYC to LA. Along with Ben, the five of us went to Brian’s family’s house in Dillon. So, I laughed more the past four days than I have since, well, when our friend Megan was in town. (I hate that our close group is now scattered across the country (and soon, across the continent.)) But it’s good to have these mini-reunions when we can--if only because one begins to miss the comforting hum of one's closest friends laughing in unison…at one's expense. Plus, there’s nothing like gathering around the laptop’s glow and settling in for a nice group session of You Tube viewing to really reconnect.

On Saturday Brian and I rode fourteen miles around Lake Dillon. It was a perfect ride. The weather was sunny and serene, the views exquisite, and the path was smooth-- hilly enough to make it challenging without killing me (bonus!). SUCH a difference from last week’s ride.

On Sunday we got back on our bikes and rode eighteen miles. Not only that, we rode over Swan Mountain Pass. We started at 9,000 feet and increased in elevation 650 feet over 3 miles. I was in my lowest gear the whole time peddling my hardest. It was SO hard. I had to rest a few times, but I tried to keep focused on my breath and the road a foot in front of me. Honestly, what kept me going was Brian shouting encouragement behind me, and my gratitude. Maybe the gratitude part sounds cheesy, but each time I wanted to give up and turn around down the mountain, I took a look at what I was doing, what I am capable of doing, of my little miracle leg, and found a new burst of energy. When we reached the top of the mountain, it felt like a bonafide feat.

Then we had the terrifying ride down the mountain, with me doing my best to burn out my breaks. When we reached the bottom, it felt like a different kind of miracle. Ah, life.

The best news of all, I feel great today. I could get back on my bike for another long ride. I feel READY for Vermont!

In Team Sarcoma 2007 fundraising news: Sadly, I am no where near my fundraising goal. ;-( To help me in my quest, please click here. Or, if you're a friend or family member and know my mailing address, you can write a check out to "FJC" and mail it to me. Also, if you HAVE donated and I just don't know because you sent it directly to FJC, please email me or add a comment on my blog (you can do so anonymously if you prefer) letting me know you donated, so I know I'm getting closer to my goal. THANKS!

In the Raw

2007-06-20T07:55:00.000-07:00

Wahoo! My kitchen is getting raw friendlier and raw friendlier every day. I just won a used (for vegan foods only) 5-tray Excalibur Dehydrator off EBay for 50% off the regular price. Yea! (I'm getting REALLY good at EBay bidding, btw. Ha ha!) So now I'll be able to make sprouted buckwheat breads, flaxseed crackers, parmesan "cheese"--made soley out of pine nuts, and a host of other healthy, enzyme-rich foods.

Last week I made zucchini pasta, which I actually prefer to regular pasta as a light, flavorful summertime meal. Basically all it entails is using a peeler and peeling long, thin strips of zucchini "meat"--not the skin or seed center--until you have what looks like a plate of pasta!

And last night I made Almond Milk, which I'm drinking in my iced coffee this morning. It tastes delicious.

This is how you do it:

1. Soak 2 ½ cups of raw organic almonds over night. The raw and organic part is important, as toxins are held in fats so you want the purist, most pesticide-free nuts possible.
2. Rinse the nuts, then put in a high-power blender with 6 cups of water.
3. Blend like crazy.
4. Strain the liquid into a carafe. (You can save the crumbled almond pieces in the freezer to use for breads or as a topping on salads or desserts.)
5. If you want to flavor the nut milk, you can pour the liquid back into the blender and blend with whatever you like. Last night I used cinnamon, vanilla extract, a pinch of sea salt, and agave nectar. Store in a sealed container in the fridge.

Just you wait. In a couple months I’m going to positively GLOW. :-)

Extra credit

2007-06-17T21:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, folks. I had a rough ride on Saturday. Real rough. I wanted to go twenty miles. That was my goal. At mile seven, I thought, "hmm, this feels hard today, maybe I should turn back..." at mile 10 I wanted to pass out. That's when I turned back, with 10 miles more to go to get home, riding directly into the wind. I think it was too hot out, and I was too dehydrated, but basically everything in my body wanted to stop moving. Immediately. Fortunately, I had my cell phone with me in case of an emergency and good thing I did, because Brian ended up coming to pick me up at mile 17. I collapsed into the car and when we got home I threw up.

The whole thing was so discouraging and embarassing. Especially because Brian had run a half-marathon up Mt. Evans that morning. It was a run that started at 10,000 feet and increased in elevation to 14,000 feet over fourteen miles!!! THAT is hard. THAT is something that might require someone coming along and saving your sorry butt. But no, me, little miss bike-ride-at-normal-elevation had to get rescued by the mountain-marathon-man.

I kind of beat myself up all weekend over that one. Then, on my way to teach yoga tonight, I thought, "Wait a second...they said I'd never be ABLE to bend my leg as far as can or ride a bike again. Even if it wasn't pretty, at least I got on that bike." Extra credit for Sara.

So that's my challenge to you: what do you beat yourself up about that you should actually be giving yourself credit for?" I say, give yourself a break this week for something. Anything. Let go of your expectations of who you should be, and be grateful for who you are.

Yay you! Yay us!

In Team Sarcoma 2007 fundraising news: More donations are coming in. (Thank you so much, Diana!) To help me in my quest, please click here. Or, if you're a friend or family member and know my mailing address, you can write a check out to "FJC" and mail it to me. Thank you for your support!

Survived 2B Alive

2007-06-14T13:59:00.000-07:00

Two of my biggest inspirations in my recovery have been Mary, founder of ABC Survivors, and Elizabeth, founder of the Chondrosarcoma Yahoo Group. While I yammer away on my blog about my own personal (and relatively trifle) ups and downs with a lucky prognosis, these two women give of themselves daily to the sarcoma community. They have both personally faced far greater challenges with their recoveries than I, and yet, seem to have endless founts of strength and generosity. Elizabeth will also be part of this year’s Team Sarcoma event, and she has an amazing daily blog honoring other survivors. Mary, in a recent post, featured Elizabeth’s blog, Survived 2B Alive, and I thought I would too, since she’s an incredible woman, highlighting incredible stories of hope.

Feelin' good

2007-06-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

Leg update: I grew bored of waiting for the pain in my leg to go away, and decided it might help my knee to take an easy bike ride to loosen up the joint. I was right! While walking still hurts a little on and off, it turns out my leg LOVES biking. Which is GREAT, because so do I! Yay!

So, here’s the thing about me: I have a few strong beliefs about how I should live my life. A basic core belief is non-harming, which to me goes beyond not punching or stabbing people when they piss me off, and means being vegetarian, being responsible to the planet in my choices, even saving the bugs that find our way into our home (which, probably rightfully, drives Brian NUTS!), etc. But besides being vegetarian, I often find myself too lazy to act on my beliefs, which then breeds guilt. (It’s much better to not have beliefs to follow, because then there’s no guilt when you don’t succeed!) :-) But TODAY I’m living life as I imagine, and it feels good. I:

1. Rode my bike to work (what a fun way to start the day!)
2. I’m drinking an cold-pressed coffee WITHOUT milk (I know, I’m also a little crazy, evident by the fact I list this as a success).
3. I packed my lunch today.
4. And I finally signed up for Door-to-Door Organics, and my second bitty box of local, organic produce will be delivered to my door tomorrow! (This made SUCH a difference in my life last week with my first box. With all that fresh produce needing my attention, I was pressured not to let it go to waste and made many more healthy meals at home than usual, instead of eating packaged meals or ordering out.)
5. I also won my bid for a food processor off ebay today, the first instrument in getting more raw meals into my life after being inspired by the Raw Food class Aubrey and I took in Vail on Saturday. (Fun! Delicious! And just a little bit hilarious. More on the raw food class later…).

Now if only I could get my butt out of bed a half hour early each morning for a wee bit of yoga and meditation. Oh, and keep up with the real news. And go to bed earlier. And get birthday and thank you cards out in a timely fashion. And finish the book I started writing last year. And not surf the internet so much... ::sigh:: One step at a time...

In Team Sarcoma 2007 fundraising news: I received my first donation! Thank you so much, Rhonda! To help me in my quest, please click here. Or, if you're a friend or family member and know my mailing address, you can write a check out to "FJC" and mail it to me. Thank you for your support!

Ups and Downs

2007-06-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

I know I've been excited with my reports of my longer rides and getting stronger, so I thought I'd keep it real and let you all know I had my first cane-day in a while yesterday. I was in a pilates class Tuesday--because it's really been helping me strengthen the little muscles of my leg that haven't been developing along with the bigger muscles--and I did too much and strained the inside of my knee.

It's hard not to feel discouraged by the fact I've wanted to ride my bike the past few days, but instead I have to stay home and ice it...and break the ol' cane out.

Finding the balance in recovery is so hard, isn't it? You have to get out there and move or you'll never regain your strength, but somedays you misjudge how far you can grow that day, and set yourself back. But, truly, as long as what's causing the pain isn't any of the "biggies," resting up sounds perfectly fine!

Sorry-ass gene pool

2007-06-05T07:22:00.000-07:00

In training news: (I LOVE that I can say I'm training for something!) I rode another ten miles yesterday, but this time I rode much faster. I was actually breathing hard and sweating! I decreased my ten-mile ride time by 15 minutes. Yeah!

So, a while ago I blogged about needing to fill out the hereditary packet so I could make an appointment with a genetic counselor at the cancer center here in Denver. First of all, I used to think it was funny it's called a "genetic counselor," as if someone could sit down and chat with your DNA. But after finishing my packet, I have to say my genes could use some serious talking to!

Psychotherapy. Regression therapy. Electro-shock therapy. I dunno what, but something! It's not pretty. But, I suppose, while knowledge is power, sometimes it's also TMI.

Easy as pie

2007-06-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

I know you'll all be so happy to hear I've found an easier way for you to sponsor my Team Sarcoma ride and to donate to The Liddy Shriver Sarcoma Inititiave!

Click HERE to raise fund for Sarcoma Research. If you want, you can say you are sponsoring, me, Sara Alan. (Thanks for sponsoring me!)

I will also add this as permenant link on the right of my homepage so you can visit any time.

Thanks for reading my blog, and for caring about a cure for sarcoma!

Weeeee!

2007-06-01T09:18:00.000-07:00

Exciting news to report, y'all!

On Monday Brian and I rode 15 miles along the South Platte River trail! FIFTEEN! It was a beautiful day and I felt so lucky and free to be zipping along the river. We saw ducks, geese, a little lizard (even though Brian claims there aren't lizards in Colorado--excuse me, what? He grew up here! It's a DRY state!), and a big snap turtle just loafing around in the middle of the side walk.

The Team Sarcoma ride will be minimum of 20 miles a day, but knowing I can do fifteen right now and still have a month and half to go, makes me feel much better.

Brian's sister, Christine, and I rode 10 miles yesterday. My knee started hurting when we were five miles out, and was swollen by the time we got home. But not too bad. (Don't worry!) I put my knee-icing maching on and it's fine this morning.

I am a little relieved to know there's a sag wagon on the ride, if my knee decides it's had enough. Though, I KNOW I won't need it.

In wedding planning news: My mom came into town over the weekend and we (along w/ Brian): visited the wedding site; had the tasting--they did such a great job with the orgininal entrees we asked them to create!!! Yum!; and picked out a hotel for out-of-towners. Good work, all around, team.

Why is Sara Going to Vermont?

2007-05-20T16:04:00.000-07:00

My sponsor request letter:

On July 13, I fly to Vermont for a bike tour. At first, this doesn't make much sense. I just got off a cane two months ago, and started bicycling for the first time in over a year last week. It’s true I still have trouble with stairs and my balance is off, but of the survivors of sarcoma in the bones, I’m one of the lucky ones.

My left leg has been altered from limb-salvaging surgery that rid me of disease just a year and half ago. I was 28 and finishing up a yoga teacher training program when I was diagnosed with chondrosarcoma. Because I received an early and accurate diagnosis, and because my cancer was low-grade, I did not have chemotherapy. But most bone cancer survivors live with the effects of more intense chemotherapy than anyone could imagine, as well as surgeries that change their limbs forever.

I am participating in the Team Sarcoma bike tour to represent those rare individuals who have survived sarcoma. Their stories are incredible ones of strength, hope, resilience, and daily struggle long after treatment has ended. I represent survivors who are so much "bigger" than me, those who have taken difficult situations and turned them into good over and over again. Their battle is my battle - one for more support, more medical research, and better treatment options.

I will be bicycling for those who can no longer bike, bicycling for those who can no longer walk, and bicycling for those who are just getting through each day. This ride will be special on another level for me, as I will be bicycling alongside my mom. My mom is also a survivor — of breast cancer, diagnosed two months after my surgery for chondrosarcoma. This will be a ride celebrating not only our year-and-a-half anniversaries as survivors, but, as my cousin Sammie says, thrivers.

How can you help? I need sponsors - those who will make a donation in my name and support me in this effort. 98% of your donation will go to sarcoma research and patients. 98%! My goal is to make $2500, for the Liddy Shriver Sarcoma Initiative. I know it sounds like a lot. The average donation that I need is about $100, but every single donation will help. This money will reach those who face the most intense battles with cancer, and often do so at a young age, feeling very alone.

This is not something I normally do. In fact, I haven’t participated in a sponsored-fundraiser since the AIDS Walk in high school. But your donation to sarcoma research is what so many children and young adults desperately need.

THANK YOU!

Sara

Please click here to donate! To sponsor me, please enter my name, Sara Alan, in the top box. Thanks!

LiveStrong

2007-05-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

Wow. I can’t believe it’s been a month since my last blog. It started out daily, moved to weekly, and now it looks like I’ve finally arrived at monthly blogging. I’m okay with that.

Lots to report.

Let’s start with the most recent:

Megan visited from NYC this weekend! It was so fun to see her. AND she was kind enough to indulge all my wedding-planning obsessions. Yay! What a good, patient friend.

We drove up to Dillon, and it was as if a mad-scientist was playing with the weather machine the whole time. In the one hour drive the weather changed dramatically about ten times; we saw sunshine, snow, slush, rain, and HAIL. Ridiculous. Welcome to Colorado!

Last night we drove to Megan’s other Colorado friend, and fellow blogger, Aubrey (of Let’s Make a Snack...). I was so delighted not only to finally see Aubrey, but also to partake in one of the exquisite meals I always see on her blog. Delicious! Before I left, Aubrey played her grand piano. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. I’ve never seen fingers move like that before. Her music was moving and inspiring, although she CLAIMED she hadn’t practiced in a while and was impaired by long finger nails and two glasses of wine. (I wish MY impairments resulted in something so beautiful!)

What I’m saying is, I left feeling artistically and culinaryally deficient.

Also, I had to leave Megan with her, so I left feeling depressed too.

(Kidding!)

Okay…on to other fun news:

I GOT MY BIKE! I traded my tax refund in for it. WOO HOO! It’s a Trek hybrid and it’s SO cool. Now I can start getting in bicycling-shape for the Team Sarcoma ride that’s two months away. What’s also neat is the model came in a LiveStrong version, so my bike is black, with the LiveStrong message on it. I decided to go with this one not only because 10% of my purchase will go to the LiveStrong organization, but because it will be a constant reminder of how far I’ve come and how lucky I am to be able to get on a bike. Whenever I check in on ABC-Survivors I realize how not everyone has had such a full recovery. Most sarcoma survivors have chronic pain or physical challenges that will last the rest of their lives. I’m not saying my body isn’t different now and that I will ever be able to be where I was before (I probably won’t ever run or ski or scurry down stairs or anything like that again), but there’s no doubt I’m extremely lucky to be doing so well, and my bike will be a daily celebration of that. It’s also why I’m so excited for the Team Sarcoma bike tour—because I want to raise awareness (and funds) so that more people can get properly diagnosed and properly treated as early as possible, so they can be lucky and get on a bike again too.

Team Sarcoma

2007-04-03T22:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, something exciting I forgot to share:

I'm going on the Team Sarcoma Bike Tour in Vermont this July! This is exciting for so many reasons, but a few of them are:

1. It means that I'm strong enough to ride a bike again (not very far right now, but certainly by July)
2. It means that I'll be doing something proactive--participating in an event that raises sarcoma awareness and raises money for sarcoma research
3. I'll meet all kinds of cool people and other sarcoma survivors
4. We'll visit the Ben and Jerry's factory...that's right, Ben and Jerry's
5. My mom is going with me! YAY!
6. I'll get to tour around Vermont in July on a bike with cool people for a good cause and eat Ben and Jerry's ice-cream with my mom!!!

(Thank you Mary and Bruce for making it possible.)

I'll definitely write more about this later, but I had to at least share the quick clip.

aieee!!!

2007-03-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

can't...blog...
sucked...into...
wedding...planning.
.
.
vort
e
x
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The News

2007-03-10T18:09:00.000-08:00

I'm a good healer!

That's the news. Dr. HEALey (still gotta love that name) said everything looks great and my bone has continued to show growth.

I'm so relieved. Thanks everyone for being so supportive. I think I just needed to know I made it past the one year mark, and now I have. (Not to say I won't ever freak out again for no reason, but this is a good start.)

As a note to my NYC friends who I didn't get to see: I'm bummed! Sorry! I ended up spending most of my time in Philadelphia, so I only had one free day in NYC, plus the day of my appointment. And my cell phone broke. My next appointment is for August 20th--so mark your calendars!

In OTHER news, Brian and I have finally set a date. I'll be able to walk down the aisle AND dance at the reception. Let the wedding-planning begin! (Sound of trumpets trumpeting.)

Babies, Brooklyn, and Hormones

2007-03-04T10:26:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is my appointment with Dr. Healey; I’ve been doing better with my anxiety about the check-up. It hasn’t gone away, to be sure, but I have gotten better about just accepting it, and also trying to think a few positive thoughts for every negative thought that enters my mind. It’s helped.

Right now I’m blogging from a café in Brooklyn. I’m walking around mostly without my cane, and it’s kind of weird being back, hanging out with my friends in Park Slope as if I’ve skipped right back to 2005 and the Year of Recovery and Moving Back to Denver never happened. It’s also neat because my friends haven’t seen me in a while and are impressed with my walking and it reminds me how far I’ve come since I saw them last fall when I was still on crutches. I sat cross-legged on Megan’s bed and she squeaked with delight: “Look what you can do!” And it made me smile to myself, yes, look what I can do!

Which is all kind of funny since before arriving in NYC I went to Philadelphia to visit my friend Heather and her one-year-old girl, Tyler. Tyler is SUCH a happy, smart and supremely adorable baby, and I spent most of my two days with them making similar declarations: “Look what she can do!” But being around a baby brought up baby talk, as in: are you and Brian going to have babies?

It reminded me that I still need to go see a genetic counselor. In fact, just today, I was reading the boards on the Chondrosarcoma Yahoo Group and there was more discussion on the estrogen link between breast cancer and chondrosarcoma. There are several studies showing that estrogen feeds chondrosarcoma just like certain breast-cancers, and that there is a close link between the two cancers because of that. This is why I will never ever take the pill again, but it also makes me wonder if getting pregnant would pose a risk of recurrence for me, because of the elevated hormone levels. (?) I’m going to ask Dr. Healey this question tomorrow.

But that’s in the future. Right now, I’m having so much fun seeing my friends—I’ve missed them all so much!!!

Ahhh....FREAK OUT!

2007-02-23T08:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, honestly people, I am FREAKING OUT! About a month ago I started having panic attacks about my leg. I seemed to tone them down for a while, but now they have come back in full surge this week. I know it must be because I'm going to New York City next week to meet with Dr. Healey, and it will have been five months since my last visit, but still.

I'm feeling great, I'm doing great, and I know that because my cancer was low-grade and I had a wide-sweeping excision that recurrence is very unlikely. I keep telling myself this rationally, but it doesn't seem to work on me emotionally and I couldn't fall asleep until three in the morning last night. I've been meditating and doing positive visualization, but the panic still flows. Perhaps it's because I am doing so well and I'm attached to this feeling of strength and health.

I also know it's normal to be worried before check-ups, but these physical waves of fear and anxiety have got to stop!

::Sigh:: I upped my postive counter-attack this morning: smudged with sage, got out all my healing stones, and did a fear-releasing meditation, so we'll see.

I probably just need to give up coffee. ;-)

Check out my flyer!

2007-02-21T14:57:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged about this yet, but I started teaching a Restorative Yoga class in January and absolutely love it! It's been really rewarding teaching yoga again, and it's helped my own practice grow too, since you have to be at your best in order to teach your best.

If you're in Denver, I'd love to see you in a class. It's open to all, but FREE for cancer survivors. Yay! You can see my flyer by clicking here.

Another reason I love France

2007-02-13T13:33:00.000-08:00

Besides making excellent wine and croissants, and having an aesthetically pleasing country, today I read a story on Slate.com that gave me another reason to love the French:

France's health minister may encourage napping at work. According to the AP, he "called for further studies and said he would promote on-the-job naps if they prove useful." Translated quote: "Why not a nap at work?" Rationale: Most French people say bad sleep at night has impaired their job performance. Critique: You want to know what impairs French job performance? Try their 35-hour work week and a gazillion weeks of guaranteed vacation. Napping is par for the course.

The writer seems to be making fun of France’s health minister, but I for one salute him. My first post-college job was at as a research assistant at an excellent company, Policy Studies, Inc. They truly respected their employees and offered health club membership, great benefits, three weeks vacation AND…a nap room! To show for it, PSI had a loyal and productive team. The nap room was my favorite part of the perks. I loved that room. Being that I had also just started performing at Impulse Theater and stayed up late three nights a week hanging out with the cast after rehearsal and shows, I became good friends with the nap room, and frankly, I don’t know how I could have done my job without it. All I needed was 15-20 minutes on my lunch break to catch up, and then I was a new woman. Of course, the better option would have been to not stay up until the wee hours half the week, but I was 22, so that’s what I did.

Now I’m 30, and because, I’m so old, I get tired midday even with consistent and healthy sleep patterns. Since I work from home, the past two days I started a new thing and been allowing myself a 20-minute nap, and I have to say, my nap-experiment has proved highly productive: I’ve been getting as much work done in the afternoons as in the morning, instead of dragging and feeling unfocused.

I say, the French have it right on this one. Hooray for naps!

Sacrebleu!

2007-02-11T13:06:00.000-08:00

Though we've been back almost a week now, here, at last, is the report of our Paris vacation (it was FABULOUS!!!):

First, "Sacrebleu" was the one French word that Brian picked up during our time in Paris. He said it often, and inappropriately. It wasn't until our last day we learned that the word translates to "gosh" or "by Jove." Brian can now be a proud American knowing he went through the streets of Paris, loudly shouting what basically means, "golly gosh!!!"

We arrived Wednesday, got settled and napped, and had a lovely dinner with Brian's aunt and uncle.

Thursday we got up late and went for brunch for omelets that Bri's uncle promised were greasy and delicious. I had an omelet sans gambon, and somehow Brian--who tried to order and omelet avec gambon--ended up with a ham sandwich. That afternoon we went to the outdoor sculpture garden at the Rodin Museum, and did a little shopping to celebrate The Sales. At night we went out for dinner--Brian got half a chicken; I got a plate of cheese. (I ate A LOT of cheese last week.) Then, feeling tired and smoked-out of the bar scene, we retired to our room for an evening of trying to download Season 2 of Weeds. (I'm not saying I'm proud this is how we spent a night in Paris, I'm just saying we were tired, and it happened.)

Friday we got up late, ate the obligatory croissant (I averaged two a day--yummy!) and cappuccino, and walked along the Seine river. Or rather, Brian walked along the Seine, and I got pushed by him in my chair. I have to say, wheelchair is THE WAY TO SEE PARIS. It was great. I didn't have to worry about tripping over cobblestones, got to take in the sites and bond with children and dogs, and didn't get tired!

That was a lovely day--we saw the awe-inspiring Notre Dame, and even found the vegetarian restaurant (le Grenier de Notre Dame) I had researched, which turned out to be healthy and incredibly delicious. However, after sharing a bottle of wine for lunch, the wheelchair ride home along the cobblestone streets became quite the adventurous ride. Yikes!

Friday night was the wine-tasting party at Brian's uncle's place. Fun.

Saturday was jam-packed: In the morning we got a guided tour of the Marais district, which was one of the highlights of the trip for me. It helped that our guide was a witty Brit full of juicy tid-bits of 15th-17th century gossip!

That afternoon we dined at the Eiffel tower, came home and collapsed for one hour, before leaving again to the gorgeous Hotel Paiva off the Champs Elysees where the big 60th bash was held. It was very fancy, with the women all wearing beautiful gowns, and jewels the size of my eyeballs. At dinner I sat next to a German international real-estate developer who had lived in NYC, London, Paris, and Tokyo, spoke four languages, and made me feel really, really lazy. We were entertained by a Swedish pop-opera star who shared a few classical opera songs that made Brian cry. And we all danced to hits like "YMCA" until four in the morning. That's right: I danced on my 30th birthday! Woo hoo!

Sunday, we were all tired and got a late start, which meant we had to tour the Louvre in an hour (practically sacrilegious, right?), but got to see the Mona Lisa, the Venus de Milo, and the crown jewels. Not too shabby.

That night we had dinner and more dancing at a wonderful Moroccan restaurant where we were entertained by a belly dancer, and got our picture taken with a real live camel.

Paris was sweet. I can't wait to go back!

Au revoir

2007-01-29T21:40:00.000-08:00

I haven't taken time to blog for the past week because...I've been too busy SHOPPING! I've been a shopping maniac.

Did I come into some money? No.

Win a mall spree? No.

Have a bunch of Christmas gift certificates to cash in? Yes, but that's not WHY I've been shopping.

Then, WHY, you ask?

Because, I'm leaving for Paris tomorrow! That's right, PARIS!

It took Brian twenty minutes to pack tonight; it's taken me two weeks.

But if you were to ask Brian if he had, say: a raincoat, waterproof shoes, umbrella, or could find his swim trunks for the European spa we may visit, he'd say no. Whereas I have had all these things carefully stowed away in my suitcase for quite some time. Of course, once again, we come back to the point that I typically spend twice the amount of vacation time preping and worrying about the vacation--perhaps defeating the point of vacation--while Brian simply jumps into the plane/car/boat and enjoys the vacation. Whatever. We both have our passports so we're both winners this time.

Brian's aunt and uncle have been living in Paris this past year, and half of the family is flying out to celebrate his uncle's 60th birthday on February 4th. The 4th just happens to be the same exact day as my 30th birthday. Thirty in Paris! Not bad, right?

We're bringing the wheelchair because my leg can only keep up for an hour or so of walking (I've been training it with mall-walking, ha!), and we'll have a lot of sightseeing and museum touring to do.

I do think it's pretty funny that of the two birthdays being celebrated it's not the 60-year-old, but the 30-year-old with the cane and wheelchair. But I bet the old guy doesn't have a "modern" new haircut and freshly manicured nails!!! Yeah!

Au revoir!

And they said it couldn't be done

2007-01-19T16:37:00.000-08:00

I have some exciting news to share: for the first time in a year and one month, I did full Tree Pose, standing on my left leg! Woo hooooooo!

Other successes for the week:
1. I did two handstands today.
2. I started adding sun salutations back into my yoga practice, and am taking baby hops towards doing jump-backs.
3. I'm only a few inches away from being able to sit on my heels!!! Which I never thought I'd be able to do again.

They told me I would never be able to fully extend or straighten my leg again, and here I am, a year and a month later, with full rotation in my leg, and Tree Pose to boot.

Odd Globes

2007-01-16T07:57:00.000-08:00

Did you watch the Golden Globes last night? Was that the weirdest awards night or what?

Maybe it was just that Tom Hanks kept saying "balls" while honoring Warren Beatty. I know he was trying to be funny, but every time he said "balls" I had to crinkle up my nose. Warren Beatty also seemed surprised about the amount of times the word "balls" was used to describe his career, so I thought he'd have an eloquent speech befitting of a award-winning actor-producer-writer-director. But no, it turns out he could hardly speak at all. I got uncomfortable and made Brian fast forward through the end of the speech. I mean, was he drunk?

Also, Jennifer Hudson was lovely, but I really don't find it appropriate to admit that you didn't consider yourself an actress BEFORE winning the Golden Globe. That's just awkward. Especially when she shared the category with Cate Blanchett. And WHY is Cate Blanchett always overlooked? Does she need a better publicist? She's always nominated, and rarely wins--okay, I guess she finally won for her portrayal of Katherine Hepburn in the Aviator, but this woman deserves an award for one of her juicier, power-house roles.

And what was with the Brits sweeping the awards? I didn't check on this, but is seemed to me if there was a Brit in the category s/he won. Which turned out to be okay, since they had the funniest speeches overall. I about died laughing when Sacha Baron Cohen accepted his award for Borat.

And why does Renee Zellweger only wear strapless, super-structured dresses?

Emerald Green was a popular color last night.

I was dissapointed in the TV categories because I don't watch Ugly Betty or House or The Closer. Not that they didn't deserve it--perhaps they did, I just couldn't get excited. Though, America Ferrara did have the loveliest speech of the evening.

What I REALLY didn't like was what a boys club it was! I wish I had kept count of how many times Jack Nicholson's and Clint Eastwood's names were mentioned--whatever the number, it was annoying and ridiculous. These men are talented, no doubt, but they don't need bigger egos.

I guess the other problem was I didn't watch Elizabeth I or The Queen, and since those won in practically every category they had a nomination for, again, I couldn't get excited. I will have to see Helen Mirren's performance in The Queen, because it must have been amazing to beat out Judi Dench's and Kate Winslet's performances.

I thought Little Children should have won for something.

At least Grey's Anatomy won for best TV drama--yeah! And you gotta love Meryl Streep--I enjoyed her line, "I think I've worked with everyone in this room."

On my Oscar to-watch list:
Dreamgirls
The Queen
Pan's Labyrinth
Babel
Volver
Blood Diamond (maybe)
The Painted Veil (maybe)
Letters from Iwo Jima
Freedom Writers (maybe)
Pursuit of Happyness (maybe)
Bobby (maybe)

Gosh, I have a lot of work ahead of me! I have NOT done a good job keeping up this year. Let me know if you have any suggestions for ones on my list I should DEFINITELY see, and ones I can wait to Netflix later in the year.

Me & "Men in Trees"

2007-01-12T13:28:00.000-08:00

I got my haircut today. I didn't mean to end up with the same haircut as Justine Bateman in Men in Trees--I didn't ask for it, but it happened. Molly asked me if I'd like a "modern haircut" that "worked well for curly hair." I said "sure." Now my hair looks like Justine Bateman's. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the right photo, but in the show she wears her hair curly. Just like mine!

Oddly, my Nintendo Wii Mii looks like Anne Heche's character.

(On the show, Anne's and Justine's characters are fighting for the same man.)

Also noteworthy: the woman who plays Annie went to my high school (1 year older than me).

AND, my one celebrity crush is JASON Bateman:

So there you go.

Do you see my point? (Me either.)

I Am Wonder Woman

2007-01-11T10:28:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I'm digging this stealing-other-people's-blogs-while-I-don't-have-ideas-of-my-own idea. Are you with me? Today I'm "borrowing" from my friend Randy's blog Think, Thank, Thought.

He posted the results of his Super Hero Personality Quiz on Monday. Well, I just took the quiz today, and found this to be a fun little diversion (and really, there are SO many of them out there, aren't there? Let me tell you: it is so dangerous to work from home!).

The quiz said I am Wonder Woman. I am a "beautiful princess with great strength of character." Cool. Though, I think it's only because I have long hair and wear a push-up bra on rare occasion. But I'll take it. I mean, I did have Wonder Woman underoos when I was little, and I did do a monologue in college about wearing those Wonder Woman underoos. So, of all the heroes, it's fitting. Oh yeah, and I'm a woman, and the only other choices for female heroes are Supergirl (and what did she ever do?) and Catwoman (and clearly I don't have the acrobatic capabilities or the oversexed nature to be like her).

Take the quiz and let me know which hero YOU are!

Here are my full results:
You are Wonder Woman
You are a beautiful princess with great strength of character

Wonder Woman 70%
Supergirl 65%
Superman 60%
Spider-Man 55%
Robin 45%
Hulk 45%
Green Lantern 45%
Iron Man 45%
The Flash 35%
Catwoman 25%
Batman 20%

Good blog

2007-01-10T10:01:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone,

I'm going to redirect you today to Let's Make a Snack's blog entry reflecting on 2006. She said it so well, and plus, that means I get off blogging easy today! No really, it's a good one:

click here: Welcome to 2007

Pics of my own

2007-01-09T15:55:00.000-08:00

I don't know why it took me so long to figure out how to take pictures with Brian's digital camera and immediately upload them. But I finally figured it out today. Hoorah! Now I can take my own, less professional photos, instead of stealing from Google images all the time.

I thought I'd take the opportunity to share some pics of the cool, bone-a-fide related Christmas presents I received.

#1. My friend Beth got me a totally funky new cane! I don't think you can tell from this photo (because I chose to take my pictures in terrible light, and not do anything to correct it), but it has all sorts of colorful designs all over the cane. It's my "going out" cane.

#2. Again, here is the zen meditation chair my mom got me. I thought I'd put it up so you could see how cool my new meditation corner is! Behind the chair is a room divider I got off Craigslist for $10. I got a Buddhist calendar and cut out the pictures for an easy and inexpensive, but inspiring decor. Above that, is the angel mobile I made after getting diagnosed. I wrote the names of everyone who inspired me and supported me through the proccess. It still brings me great comfort to look at!

#3. This is so special. (Though, the photo is terribly blurry. I'll get better.) Brian's mom gave me handmade notecards, on which she painted the pink ribbon and wrote out "Bone-a-fide Blogger." How cool is that? I LOVE them.

I got lots of other wonderful gifts (and will send out proper thank you cards soon), but these seemed to be the ones that best fit in with the theme of my blog. Thank you everyone!

Gold star day!

2007-01-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

Has anyone seen NOTES ON A SCANDAL yet? It's so good. Cate Blanchett and Judi Dench are exquisite, the writing is phenomenal, and the whole thing is delightfully dark. Every word Ms. Dench says rolls out of her mouth perfectly, like when she calls Cate's character's lover a “pubescent paramour." Ha. Love that description. Judi Dench's character also journals every day and puts gold stars on the days that she particularly enjoyed.

Today is a gold star day for me.

Why? Because I went to the gym and noticed while I was doing the stationary bike that there wasn't any crunching in my knee! A first! Also, I practiced walking without my cane in front of the mirror in the gym, like I usually do, and my limp is much less severe then it was even a week ago. Of course I still notice it, but I suspect others wouldn't unless they were paying attention. Another first! I also did the leg press machines, practiced walking in the pool, and swam a bit. When I was done I even went to Wild Oats and got a fresh apple/carrot/celery/parsley drink. My will power is back today! Hoorah!

And I give you a gold star for reading my blog today. Doesn't everyone feel better?

Now. Who needs a nap?

Props in the HOUSE!

2007-01-06T01:02:00.000-08:00

Ohmygosh. I'm so excited. I finally have the yoga props I've been wanting 4-F-R. Since I went through my teacher training a few years ago and learned the pleasure of props (like being swaddled like a baby!) I've been wanting blocks, balls, bolsters...all of it, but felt like I shouldn't buy them because yoga is the opposite of consumerism. But now that I have space in our house, and will start teaching a restorative yoga class in a week--a class that depends largely on props, I thought f*#k it, I'm buying props. And I'm soooo glad I caved.

I bought:

A junior bolster in sage green--all the better to do Supta Baddha Konasana and Svasana with.

A big ball--oh so helpul in easing back into backbends after a year of walking around stiffly on crutches.

Bamboo blocks--peaceful and supportive in a variety of delightful poses, my favorite being legs-up-the-wall.

And finally, a strap. A real, eight-foot strap, after fussing around with the short piece of crappy strap I've been using for two years. It was only $10, why did I wait for so long for a real strap? Silly.

Here's to a peaceful, more flexibile, supported, propped-out me!

New Year, Old Fears

2006-12-31T09:43:00.000-08:00

Here's the thing. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year. I turn THIRTY in a month. And I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. How is that possible?For fun, I did my Tantric Numerology chart last week and it told me that when I'm not in balance, I'm indecisive because I can see every perspective so clearly that I can't decide which one to act on. NOT fun. I got mad about that little insight because it's SO TRUE. There are many things I love to do, but I can't focus on any of them. It feels like to make real money from doing things I enjoy--not just extra pocket cash here and there--I have to focus, or I'll be doing all these things, plus working a day job that is good and fine and comfortable, but not ultimately satisfying, for a long time.

It's not a unique plight, and it's not that I'm not happy—I am. It's just with the New Year and the third decade of my life facing me, my old anxieties have reared their ugly heads and are demanding RESULTS. A retirement fund! A title that doesn't include the word "assistant!" A nomination for best SOMETHING!I realize that this outer concept of success is false. I know this. But it doesn't mean it doesn't bubble up sometimes and make me grumpy. Inner peace can be a tiring goal in itself.

Maybe I'll give it all up--yoga, writing, performing—and just focus on my real dream: to be a SPY!

I've got my eye on you…

Random snow thoughts

2006-12-29T10:12:00.000-08:00

It's so snowy here! AGAIN! We are having our second blizzard in one week. I love that snow can cause a State of Emergency--two of them in one week, in fact. It's inconvenient that I don't own boots or an appropriate winter coat and that I have to stay inside, but it's lovely in that it's beautiful, I have enough food to survive, and it gives me an excuse to stay inside.

The good news is, I've curbed my video game playing. The mania lasted two weeks, and now I can enjoy a healthy dose, without it being all-consuming. Phew. (I was scared there for a while.) However, now ALL I want to do is sit on the couch, or in the bay window, and stare out at the snow. Despite my lazy desires, I've made myself do my yoga practice and PT daily, and, of course, that work thing. The one thing about working from home during a state of emergency is that you don't get a snow day from work. Boo. (Sadly, Brian also missed out on the snow day today, because he's only ten blocks from work...but don't worry, he's bitter about it.)

I'm feeling a lot stronger--my limp is less severe--and I'm finding I have the inclination to move about without reaching for my cane first, which is exciting. It was weird at first...like, oh no! I'm walking without my cane! My leg might collapse! But of course, it didn't. Which is pretty sweet.

My mom flew into town for Christmas (from California, and boy-oh-boy she could not stop talking about there are NO blizzards in California). We joined Brian's family in their Christmas Eve celebration. His step-brother and step-sister have two kids each, and they are about the four cutest, sweetest children EVER! I really can't believe how smiley and sweet they are. If I could gaurantee our children would turn out like that, I wouldn't fear having kids so much. (Don't get excited mom--the point is, I CAN'T get a gaurantee!) Speaking of adorable babies, on Tuesday, Brian and I went out with friends and one of our friends brought along his fourteen-month old boy. Who is ALSO one of the cutest children ever born. (It's like a conspiracy to trick me or something.) But the reason I mention this little guy is because I noticed as he was waddling around, that he walks just like me!!! Ha! (Have I mentioned how weird it is being 29 and learning how to walk again?)

We got a lot of nice gifts from our family. My mom got me the COOLEST meditation chair, called the wandering monk, made with green silk fabric, embroidered with dragonflies. It's so beautiful, and it has changed my meditation life, just as I suspected it would. I will find inner peace in 2007, and all because of my pretty new chair!

I could use the inner peace, because, frankly, I'm recovering from some pretty traumatic family events that took place last week. Things got resolved somewhat the day before Christmas Eve, but the week prior was a living hell. Last week's blizzard came with fear and despair; this week's blizzard brings peace and calm and the hope of the new year. That's what's amazing about life: this week is nothing like last week. You recover and move on.

Enjoy the snow.

Cancerversary!

2006-12-15T13:47:00.000-08:00

Hey All,

It's my cancerversary today! Can you believe my surgery was this day last year? I can't. It feels like just the other day and two lifetimes ago all at once. This time last year many of you were pacing the waiting room at MSKCC, and many of you were elsewhere praying for me. Last night I was remembering the night before my surgery--having my friends and mom over to draw on my leg in permanent marker with messages to the doctors like "Not this leg!" (for my right leg) and "We love Dr. Healey" on my left. And the nice conference/encouragement call with the McManus clan (and Botts!).

One of the first memories I had this morning was waking up after the ten hours I was under for surgery to those confounded tubes in my throat and seeing my mom and Brian--wanting to talk to them, but being told I couldn't get the tubes out until I could stay awake for more 20 minutes straight, and it was SUCH a hard task! I remember my mom staying with me in the hospital that first night (thank god), and Brian running from Brooklyn during the transit strike to come visit me, and Perry bringing me those little pink gloves when my hands were so cold, and Megan having to calm down the nurse when I was about to pass out trying to do PT. The notebook Matt made me, the card Tim gave me, and all the beautiful flowers and cards and balloons and love you all sent me. I still have all the cards that I recieved, and the notes from the flowers, and I should get them out and type them out--but they're all the way downtstairs!

To celebrate today, I went to lunch with Andrea, who I posted about in August or October. She is more than 50 days out of her successful bone marrow transplant and doing well. It turns out she had surgery for her Osteosarcoma in 1999, also on December 15th. We share the same cancerversary! She has an amazingly strong spirit and presence and it was so good to finally meet her.

Also, Brian is having a little gathering of friends over tonight (well, hopefully, he sent out the email last night, so it might just be the two of us!).

I just want to let you--my friends, family, those in the cancer community I've met online--know how thankful I am for your support and love this past year. Thank you, thank you.

Wii did my life go?

2006-12-10T07:20:00.000-08:00

Some of you may be wondering where I’ve gone for the past few weeks. Well, the answer is both simple and terrifying: I’ve been consumed by Brian’s new Nintendo Wii system!!! Ah! How did this happen? I’m turning into my fiancé! I’m turning into a…a…video game addict!

Looking back at my last blog, I find today’s topic hilarious in comparison. So much for creating healthy habits—I am now the polar opposite of that cleansed, good-intentioned-yogi I was way back then.

After five years of living with Brian, and making fun of how many hours he fritters away playing video games, I am now addicted to Excite Truck. Seriously, it is SO fun. AND, frankly, I’m like, totally awesome at it. I beat the first Excite level in a few days, and I’m only three courses away from beating Super Excite. Yeah!

But, dude. I am like an addict because I can’t put it down even when it’s hurting me: my neck, hand, and shoulder are almost in worse condition after a week of Excite Truck than my last few months on crutches. There were a few times I didn’t stop for meals when I was hungry (the new Excite Diet, anyone?). And worst of all, as I worked upstairs in my office all week, I couldn’t stop thinking of Super Five-Star Tree Runs and Super Air and Super Drifts that awaited me downstairs. Instead of taking yoga breaks, I took Excite breaks. (Oh, the shame.)

Wii Sports is pretty fun too. You can play baseball, tennis, bowling, golf, and boxing. You stand and swing the controller just like you would a bat, ball, club, or punch. It’s PHYSICALLY CHALLENGING without leaving your home or getting dirty or connecting with nature or people. I put Tiger Balm on my biceps after the first night of trying out all the games. (More shame.)

Bowling is the best, because you can have friends over to bowl in the privacy of your own home, with no smelly rental shoes! (But be careful—one friend slipped on our hard wood floors and hurt her back—eek! Might we need Wiinsurance?) The one way I can justify playing the sports games, is that it was good PT for my leg. Those batting, golfing, tennis and boxing stances are just like doing squats, but fun!

(Help.)

Ch-ch-changes

2006-11-22T12:01:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: I’ve been waiting to make this announcement (didn’t want to jinx it), but…drum roll…I’ve been a cane for a week now! Hooray! All is going well. My leg started getting a little swollen yesterday, but I caught it in time, rested, iced it, and it’s in good shape again. In light of the good news, (and in thanks of the health and love I have on this Thanksgiving-eve) I have a rather reflective blog today.

Brian and I moved into our new place a few weeks ago. After my surgery last December, we were lucky enough to stay in an elevator-access building near MSKCC for two months, and then with Brian’s aunt and uncle, right on Central Park and also near the hospital. This was great for my recovery, but meant we never returned to live in our apartment in Brooklyn again, except for one weekend in April when we packed the whole thing up. When we arrived in Denver in May, we lived in a small one-bedroom condo, but didn’t unpack the majority of our boxes since we were waiting to move to a bigger place. SO. This is the first place we have really been able to call home in eleven months. It feels good. However, Brian and I have discovered it’s been kind of an emotional experience as well.

Basically, it was like our old life had been locked up in a time capsule and we're slowly excavating it now. Like all the pictures of our “before” life; or my angel mobile that I created with the names of everyone who had helped me, or I knew were praying for me; or the pair of pajamas I wore all the time during the weeks after surgery. I put those PJs on again a few nights ago and was flooded with the memory of the months I spent being in bed most of the day with my leg in the continuous passive motion machine. I feel slow now, but I was REALLY slow then. It’s weird.

With all the memories coming back as we build a new home together, I wanted to focus on our present and future, and create some new healthy habits for myself. I had been wanting to do a cleanse since surgery (to rid my body of the remnants of anesthesia and painkillers), but, you’re not supposed to do one after surgery. I figured eleven months was a long enough time to wait so last week I finished a nine days cleanse, which included five days of a liquids-only diet.

Last week I also started going to Kundalini yoga classes, which I’ve wanted to do for a couple years now, but for some reason was scared to. After my cleanse I felt grounded, healthy, and finally ready to try it. Kundalini yoga focuses on breath work and chants and mudras (hand positions). It has been amazing, and because there are almost no standing poses, I can participate in the whole class. I leave there feeling totally energized and rejuvenated. I knew most of these elements of yoga from the training I completed last year, but these classes are putting them together in a whole new way that is intense and transformative.

Power of the mind-body connection, yo!

You’re so adopted all the time

2006-11-20T08:47:00.000-08:00

Everyone, please meet Blossom, my adopted turkey. Blossom, everyone.

Isn't she a cutie?!

I know most of you won’t like my blog topic today but, I’m so happy, I have to share. I adopted a turkey! As a vegetarian, I’m always kind of like the Grinch Who Stole Thanksgiving. For the past fourteen years, I’ve found it annoying that Thanksgiving, a day of sharing and togetherness, somehow becomes Turkey Day. You thaw it for days ahead of time, it takes up the oven for hours so you can’t bake other, animal-friendly dishes, the family salivates in carnivorous anticipation, and the whole meal hinges on when the bird is done. It’s very hegemonic. What about the equality of the entrees? No justice for the green beans, no peace for the yams!

But more than annoyance with the bird-centric holiday, I find it sad for the turkeys. As it says at the Adopt-A-Turkey site: “Like all animals, turkeys experience pain and suffering, yet they are specifically excluded from state and federal animal protection laws. As a result, turkeys are subjected to intolerable cruelty at factory farms and slaughterhouses across the United States.” (Click here for more horrifying statistics on the turkey industry--like debeaking and detoeing.)

So the adopt-a-turkey program saves thousands of turkeys from the slaughterhouse, and enables them to be adopted into homes, or taken care of on the Farm Sanctuary (where Blossom is—if our landlord won’t let us have a puppy, I’m pretty certain it’s a no on the turkey pet). In turkey-eaters defense, I’m sure there are non-tortured birds for sale as well, and Brian did buy a small organic turkey for his family, which is at least a step in the right direction. Still, I think this will be the first Thanksgiving I’ll feel a little at ease. While I’ll have to look at the cooked friend on the table, at least I’ll know little Blossom is healthy and roaming free!

Give unto others

2006-11-13T21:37:00.000-08:00

Update: I had a few good weeks there. I was excited to blog about how many times I did the stationary bike for 30 minutes without pain or swelling. Today was the day I was supposed to try walking without crutches again. Alas, my leg swelled up on Friday, and it’s been that way since. No cane for me today.

It’s the holiday season and generosity has been on my mind lately. Mainly because the stress of wanting to give more than my budget allows looms. Also, I’ve been materially OBSESSED since we moved into our new place last week (also the reason of my long absence from blogging). Our half-duplex is wonderful and has three times the space of our previous 480 sq-ft apartment, but now I feel the need to FILL the space. We’ve been doing well getting furniture from friends and family and finding inexpensive items on Craigslist. (I got four Pottery Barn wine-colored velvet drapes for over 80% of the retail price! Deal!) But even a little money here and there adds up fast, and I can’t help feeling guilty buying STUFF when there are so many worthier causes out there.

With that in mind, I was on my way home from picking up a $10 bookcase and I saw a homeless man at the light asking for money. It was a cold and rainy day, so I reached out my window to hand him a dollar. He kind of slipped off the curb a little when he went to take it. Then, the way he said “Thank you so much, mam,” was so earnest, well, it all made my heart swell for this person. The next moment I saw the light turn green and I immediately became worried about the car behind me getting mad at me, so I took off, distracted, saying “have a good day” like I was a drive-thru worker and like his day wasn't obviously going to not be super-great. I’m not saying I had to write him a poem on the spot, but still, I was rude.

As I drove home all I could think of was how heartfelt his “thank you” had been, while my speeding off—not even giving this human a genuine response or a moment’s connection, made me feel decidedly ungenerous.

Yoga Journal has a great article on generosity this month. I read it today and it made me feel better because it gave me a chance to change. It talks about the different kinds of generosity from the easy, unthinking kind to the guilty or expectation-laden kind. It made me consider how I can rethink my idea of generosity and change it from simply giving money to giving kindness and genuineness, like the guy at the light gave me.

Crazy people love my crutches

2006-10-25T10:20:00.000-07:00

Dude. I don't know what it is, but my crutches are attracting crazy people like, well, crazy!

Last night, I got locked out of the apartment (short, but boring story--let's just say Brian bought me several drinks out of guilt as a result). I had to take the bus to get to the Bovine for the Battle (I was totally late, missed 87% of Second City's spot--goddamnit). So of course the nice homeless man on the bus immediately befriends me and discusses the fine RTD bus pass options (he goes for the local pass at a very fair $29/month). He supposes they might have a deal for crutch-bound folks such as myself. He literally did not stop talking the whole time. I didn't even have to participate in the conversation! Awesome. I can nod my head for a long time, easy.

Then, in the short time I left the house to get coffee this morning two people accosted me to tell me their stories. The first person says "Those are no fun. You don't want to know what I did to have to be on those!" And I didn't, so I tried to continue on, but apparently, he did want to tell me. (He almost lost his leg in the Golf war--spent two and a half years and five surgeries to recover--a sad story indeed.) He didn't want to know my story--which is fine, because I didn't want to share--but I found it hilarious that he basically stopped me in the store, unsolicited, to tell me HIS.

Then, as I'm walking up the sidewalk to my apartment, trying to balance my grocery bag, latte, crutches, and keys, a woman turns around--she has a cane, and amazing amount of gigantic warts all over her face (way worse than the witch in Hansel and Gretel, I promise)--and says, "I hope I never have to use those!" I give a polite laugh, hoping this is the end of our exchange. (It isn't). She continues, "'Course, with MY conditions, you never know..." So then I'm talking with her for fifteen minutes about the evils of hormone-injected food on our society's health and how China didn't have any diseases until McDonalds set up shop over there.

I'm telling you, if you ever feel you have a hard time making friends, just walk around on crutches and you'll make a ton...they just all might be crazy.

Get THIS!:

2006-10-25T07:38:00.000-07:00

Commission for People with Disabilities
Denver Parking Law
Sec. 54-485.
b) Any vehicle with distinguishing license plates or an identifying placard obtained by a person with a mobility impairment as prescribed by law, and being utilized by such person, may be parked free of charge in a parking metered space or multi-space section controlled by a parking meter during such hours that parking is permitted in such parking metered space or multi-space section, for a time period authorized by the parking meter or for four (4) consecutive hours, whichever is greater, regardless of the time period otherwise allowed for parking in the parking metered space or multi-space section controlled by such meter.

OMG! WHY didn’t I know about THIS aspect of my parking placard earlier?! I’m so excited. Now I can park close to the theater and my new job without having to crutch five blocks from the bus, or spend $10 to park in a lot for a day. WOO HOO!

(Yay for all the people who have worked so hard to make laws like these a reality!)

cont...

2006-10-24T10:55:00.000-07:00

And yet, and yet…

There’s that guy serving beer who hops,
A half-body builder, a hunky legless bartender
He’s gay in both ways, this happy hops hopper

And that nice girl who wheels by,
A funky punk without a hip or a care
She’s a hipless hipster, carefree in her chair

Both have felt loss but are not themselves lost
Can't woe-is-me too long if they can press on
They continue with a smile, and so will I
…once in a while

A melodramatic moment…

2006-10-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

My knee is surrounded in pouffery
A squishy semblance of what used to be
Pressing at the skin and scar
As if any day it will push too far
Poof-puff-bam—this knee
A memory of what once carried me

Now I drag this leg along
A dead weight of a life now gone
Aching to hike to step at last
On this bulging mass of wishes past

Not yet, not yet

When, when, when,

(Will I ever walk again?)

Goulish Knee

2006-10-23T23:34:00.000-07:00

On Saturday my leg was feeling strong again so I tried a little light cleaning around the house, sans crutches (like my doctor said I could!), did my PT, and gentle yoga. By Saturday night, POOF, my knee swelled up again. The discouraging part is it hasn’t gone down, even when I’ve spent hours each day in my fancy-pants new knee-icing machine. What’s the deal? I don’t mean to whine, but frankly, to me, it’s scarier than previews for The Grudge 2.

Bloggin' for my mama

2006-10-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

My mom has sent me at least three emails in the past week giving me flack for not blogging! This is funny because she’s probably the one person I update most consistently about my life. Still, she feels left out when I don’t blog every day. It’s sweet (but my next blog will be titled: guilt-trip.blogspot.com).

A couple exciting things happened to me this week: On Tuesday, I visited my friend Ben’s senior English classes at Stanley Lake High School. I came as a “visiting artist” to talk about my writing and performance experience. How hilarious is that. I did a reading from my one-woman show, Bone-a-fide: A Tumorous Comedy and was surprised when the kids actually laughed in the places I intended to be funny. It was so fun just talking about writing and performing and how to turn the tragic things in life into art. It made me feel “official” and it inspired me to want to work on the second half of my one-woman show again. I would love to perform at cancer conferences and fundraising events so other people who have experienced similar struggles can laugh along with me.

Then tonight Ben and I went to see The Second City: “Losing My Denverginity.” It’s a great show and at intermission the stage manager came up to us and said the cast requested us to join them in their improv set after the sketch show, and we agreed. So a dream of mine came true tonight: I PERFORMED WITH THE SECOND CITY!!! It was just a twenty-minute improv set, and I didn’t jump into that many scenes because I felt weird 1. Because the audience paid to see Second City, not me, and 2. I was on crutches and felt a little limited by my mobility. But still, it was fun, a dream come true, and I love everyone in that cast—not only are they super talented, but they’re also wonderful, kindhearted people. Plus, they’re fun to hang out with and I’ll miss them when they return to Chicago. I hope they all go far after leaving our fair city in December.

Oh, also, in not-as-fun news I had an interview today and will start phone-fundraising next week. It’s just about the only second job I can manage while on crutches. I’m actually excited because we’re fundraising for progressive organizations and I’ll feel more in touch with what’s going on in the world and the elections this November. However, it is not lost on me that I was a canvasser for Clean Water Action when I was nineteen, and this is pretty much the same work, except via phone, ten years later. It will be good extra cash, but I have to ask myself, how far have I come in the last decade?

Okay, okay, I’ve beaten cancer AND played with The Second City, so I guess it hasn’t been a total wash. (Ha ha.)

Readers Rock

2006-10-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

I LOVE the library! After my setback, I was feeling a little more cooped-up than usual, so I made my way to the Denver Public Library and loaded up on books. Ever since then, I feel like a kid again—when I was little my mom and I would go over to the Glenview Public Library and get a bag full of children’s books every week. Now I’m doing the same thing: I bring my brown Whole Foods bag and return my stack of weekly reads, and then fill up another bag full of books. It’s great.

One of the reasons I’m reading so fast is because I’ve become obsessed with Teen Fiction. I’ve started writing my own, so I’m “researching” the genre (and by researching I mean, having a great excuse to read books that are supposedly not for people my age). There are so many great ones out there:

Laurie Halse Anderson (Speak; and Catalyst)
Carolyn Mackler (Vegan Virgin Valentine; and The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things)
Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever; That Summer; Just Listen)

And, in non-Teen fiction, I’ve also started reading Maggie Estep’s mysteries: Hex; and Gargantuan. She is such a poetic writer (in fact, in speech team in high school I competed in Poetry and won with her poem “I Am The Sex Goddess of the Western Hemisphere”—which is a hilarious piece).

Anyway, all this writing and reading (with more of a purpose than “just for fun”) has been highly fulfilling, and it makes me realize I might not ever have stumbled upon this joy if not for my setback.

I’m not saying I’m happy about the setback, I’m just saying sometimes good things come from dark places.

Hugs

2006-10-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

Have you all seen this video? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4&eurl
It brought tears to my sappy self.

Here's the full story behind the Hug Man: http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2006/09/28/1159337257843.html

Like an athlete

2006-10-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

I’m in training, folks! Or at least it would appear that way. This morning I woke up, did my leg exercises for an hour and a half, Tiger Balmed my shoulders and neck, then elevated and iced my knee as I heated up my low-back with my heating pad. I felt—and smelled—just like an athlete! (Except instead of heading out to the triathlon, I crutched the two feet to my desk to blog.)

Not getting anywhere fast

2006-10-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like you're running in place?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJAPEykj-fg&eurl=

I've watched this so many times now. So funny. And so sad. (Hey! Just like life!)

MySpace, yo

2006-10-05T11:38:00.000-07:00

So even though I'm not in a band, famous, or a teenager, I've set up a MySpace page.
Check it out at:
http://www.myspace.com/saraalan

And if you have a MySpace account, I wanna be your friend!

Home again

2006-10-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

I have returned from NYC. It's such an exciting city--I got that feeling I want to be here, to be a part of this! I love its energy, but realized (again) that I don’t have that kind of energy right now. So it works out. As if to prove it, my shoulders feel like two giant bricks from all the avenues and blocks of crutching around. Plus, it’s freakin’ expensive there.

BUT. It was a super fun seeing my good friends and eating delicious food (the two things I miss most about The Big City!).

So. My appointment with Dr. Healey:
He wants me to stay on crutches for six more weeks.
They have no idea why I’m having pain or puffiness (great, thanks).
The good news is whatever is causing the pain and puffiness, it’s not one of the five big things to worry about. It’s NOT: recurrence (hallelujah!), mal-union, infection, fracture, or “catastrophic hardware failure.” Yay!

Ready to go

2006-09-29T22:05:00.000-07:00

My Grandma was passing through town today on her vacation. It was so nice to see her! We went to the Boulder Tea House for lunch, had a lovely drive through the mountains, and then got some good laughs at Impulse Theater. (Grandma: "That was wild!") It turns out my Grandma has been donating money to MSKCC for years. Weird. I asked her how she randomly picked that hospital to donate to, and she said she chose it because there’s been so much cancer in the family. I didn’t even know about our history of cancer until this year. (Reminds me I have to go see that genetics counselor.)

Anywho, I leave for NYC tomorrow for my three month checkup with Dr. Healey. I realized today that I’ve been kind of anxious about it all week, and now I’m getting a migraine (I should really step away from the computer—ow). Life is always an unknown path, but it’s never more unknown then when you are going in for scans and a follow-up. I would like my future to be that I’ll get clearance to get off crutches again. BUT. You never know.

Hope, as they say, is the flip-side of fear. ("They" being Buddhists, and they say it more eloquently, but that’s the gist). And you can’t live your life in fear, right? Thus, in place of hope or fear I have a migraine. (Ha!)

Crutch-prov

2006-09-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

Brian and I are starting our new show tonight at the Bovine Metropolis Theater. I’m excited. It’s called Battle Royale, where two long-form improv teams go head to head. The audience votes on which performance they liked best and that team returns the following week to defend their title! Brian and I are the co-hosts. The nice thing about hosting, is you can do it on crutches.

Which isn't to say one can only host improv while on the walking sticks. I have done a few improv shows on crutches and while it limits me in certain ways, last week I learned it adds in other ways…as in ready-to-go PROPS! Last week we played at The Bovine and I learned having crutches makes for a perfect jousting scene. There was a rolling chair on stage and I sat down with one crutch sticking out like a joust while Brian rolled me across the stage at Tim, who was holding my other crutch, but lamely sitting in a non-rolling chair. (I won. No one was injured.) I still giggle thinking about crutch-jousting. Wish I could do it every day. Maybe I’ll start a tournament with other bored walking-assisted folks!

Sara, Lady Knight

Stupid Surgeons

2006-09-21T08:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know he saved my leg and all, but seriously, if you were a world renowned surgeon, don’t you think you would make a habit of scheduling days off way in advance?! I specifically called last week to confirm my appointment for October 16th, only to get a call this morning saying the doctor will not be in that day. No chance, no way. Thanks. Of course I get this news only after booking my flight and having a friend ask a favor from an old client for a place for me to stay near the hospital. ::Sigh::

On the bright side, it didn’t cost a fortune to change the flight and now I’ll be in town for the Denver Improv Festival. AND I’ll get some answers about my puffy leg earlier (October 2nd). But still, RUDE.

Orange you glad you didn’t say wheatgrass?

2006-09-18T11:02:00.000-07:00

Bleck, bleck, bleck. Yuckity, yuckity. Have you ever done shots of wheatgrass? I’m trying to get back into super-healthy mode and today was the first day I forwent my latte in place of wheatgrass. Wow, is there no comparison. Of course, I know this, but it’s been a while since my days of double-wheatgrass-shots-no-chaser. I just had my flax meal/protein/calcium drink and now the wheatgrass is reminding me that although I’m healthy, I’m WAY far away from where I was. There’s a good reason though: orange bones.

That’s right. When I was in the hospital after surgery one of the assisting surgeons told me that my bones were ORANGE. I said, Where the tumor was? And he said, No, everywhere we could see. (Which include the entire femur, knee, top of my tibia and hip bone.) I asked Dr. Healey about it and he said they thought it was from too many antioxidants. WHAT?! I thought antioxidants were good for you? He said they were and that it might be the reason my tumor was slow-growing, but on the flip side--something to do with my type of tumor—might mean it could have metastasized to other parts of my body sooner. I was shocked. I was TOO healthy?

I asked what I could do to make my bones not-orange and he said, Nothing, just don’t eat big plates of carrots. I was fine giving up carrots (don’t like ‘em) but it made me question my whole outlook on health and diet, and I kind of gave up on a lot of what I learned had made me feel good.

Frankly, it wasn’t hard to bring cookies and dairy back into my diet and cut down on the wheatgrass and sprouts. I thought I was “living in balance,” which everyone always raves about but rarely attains, but recently I’ve just been thinking how much better I felt when I was a health nut. I don’t really know why I had/have orange bones or what that means, and I don’t think the doctors really know either. But I do know I felt more energetic and focused. So I’m going to try going back to what the rest of body likes, and hope my bones catch on. (My nails/skin/teeth were never orange! It’s SO weird! Such a mystery, these bodies of ours.)

But man, wheatgrass, maybe I don’t have to bring that one back just yet. (YUCK!)

Metal-ejudice

2006-09-16T08:05:00.000-07:00

Ha! So, I was searching on Craigslist, as I’m wont to do, for some extra cash-earning opportunities. (Though, I can’t tell you how much $-anxiety has been lifted from my mind since all those very kind donations, thanks again). Anyway, I clicked on “Research Participant” (because let’s face it, unless they want to inject weird hormones into your body or make you lift heavy things while running in place, that is E-Z cash!) and the first thing it said was: “Participants must have no metal in their body (dental fillings are okay).” Uh! Just one more thing my hardware precludes me from. There’s no justice!*

*Don’t worry, I’m not actually feeling deprived or depressed because of this. It’s just another discovery I find funny and enjoy blowing out of proportion.

The Good Things In Life

2006-09-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

At the abc-survivors forum there's a thread about the good things in life. Here are two good things I'm pretty excited about this week:

1. The third season of Arrested Development. (STEVE HOLT!)

2. Finally having a disability parking placard! I never thought I'd be so happy to have something that includes the word "disability." But MAN has it made my life easier this past week. It's like bing VIP! Now if only it included a long red carpet that rolled out of my car door...and Jason Bateman as my escort...(it's okay B, Portia can be your escort--I'm sure Ellen won't mind...)

Germans are crazy

2006-09-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

It was around this time last year that I went to Germany searching for an alternative cure to surgery. After spending a few months juggling the opinions of three of America’s top doctors and seven options for surgery I decided that wasn’t a big enough challenge for me; I wanted MORE conflicting opinions to choose from. At the same time, everyone kept telling me, “Oh Germany is where it’s at in cancer treatments, go to Germany, they’re way ahead of the US.” So I thought, “Okay, yeah, I’ll try Germany, I mean that makes sense, they are known for their…precision engineering.”

So I put that on my Tumor To Do List one week: Call Germany. I like that it was so illusive to me, it involved the whole country:
Me: “Yes, hello, Germany, can you save me?”
Germany: “Oh, Yah.”
Me: “Oh, good.”

I received donated frequent flyer miles from B’s uncle and hopped a plane—a SUPER nice Lufthansa business class plane: totally awesome—to Münster, Germany. I stayed for free with a friend of friend’s acquaintance’s ex-land-lady. She let me use this adorable bike and every day I wasn’t meeting with doctors, I spent riding around the cobblestone streets of the city visiting the beautiful churches and gardens. I felt like I was in a storybook, minus the finding-a-cure-for-cancer bit.

It was my first trip to Europe (I love that I haven’t been to Paris or Rome, but I’ve hit the quaint university town of Münster!), and I went alone. It was a wonderful trip (I was independent! I could ride a bike! It was pretty!).

So here’s my Germany report:
Report #1: The seats on Lufthansa’s business class plane make you feel like you’re in your own private spaceship. After the 8-hour flight, I’m pretty sure I was the only one on the plane who didn’t want to get off. I wanted to stay in my cushy pod with the free movies, wine, and chocolate.

Report #2: German riesling: delicious.

Report #3: The doctors’ opinions:
The doctor I went to see for an alternative therapy immediately told me he couldn’t help me (WHY couldn’t he have told me this over the phone?!) and that I should see a surgeon he highly recommended at the university clinic (or klinik) in town.

It was difficult to understand Dr. Winkelmann through his accent, but from what I gathered, he recommended a fibular graft, which would have involved taking my right fibula--the skinny bone in the back of the calf--and putting it in the place of my left femur. He assured me, “Yah, you don’t need zee WHOLE fibula, you only need zee top and bottom centimeter of zee fibula.” And then all of his assistants started intently bobbing their heads in agreement like, “Yah, yah, not zee WHOLE fibula.” That’s when I looked around to see if I was missing something and thought, Really? Because I seem to have been enjoying my fibula just fine these past 28 years, right where it is…in this leg, where it’s healthy and not needing to be cut open.

I mean, I had flown to Germany to see if I could avoid cutting open one leg, only to learn they wanted to cut open both?! I went home feeling a lot more patriotic. (Sigh) The lesson?: Germans are crazy.

Andria's Story

2006-09-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it is just so hard to believe what some people are forced to contend with in their lifetime. My friend passed along this story and call for help about her friend Andria. Frankly, my story sounds like a cakewalk in comparison. It seems like odd timing to post this, considering yesterday's post, but perhaps it's more poetic than odd. We all need each other.

Please, if you can, put Andria in your heart right now—on your prayer list, in your meditations, your good thoughts, whatever is meaningful to you. Thank you.

********************************************************
YOUR HELP IS NEEDED! • ANDRIA O’DAY LEE FUNDRAISER

Andria was 21 years old when she was diagnosed with BONE CANCER. After extensive treatment and surgery she was living a “normal” life. This past January (seven years later) she was diagnosed with BREAST CANCER. After chemotherapy, she was ready for a double mastectomy and it was discovered she has MYELODYSPLASTIC SYNDROME (a pre-leukemia condition).

Friends of Andria are having an ice cream social and silent auction to help de-fray the costs Andria is facing in the future. Andria will have a double mastectomy and will be going through five years of treatment for Myelodysplastic Syndrome, including a bone marrow transplant.

Email: andriafund@comcast.net PLEASE MAIL DONATIONS TO: LINDA O’DAY (FOR THE BENEFIT OF ANDRIA O’DAY LEE) 7927 WEST 106TH AVENUE BROOMFIELD CO 80021

Most Amazing Gift

2006-09-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

Something amazing happened to me last week. I haven't posted recently partly because my mom’s been in town the past few days (yay!), and also because I’ve been completely stunned.

I received a priority envelope in the mail last week. When I opened it up I found two little envelopes inside, one that said “Open me first please.” On the inside it had a beautiful quote about friendship and then “With deepest courage and love, your family,” with the names of eighteen people listed. I immediately started crying. I had no idea what was in the other envelope, but just seeing all those names there, knowing those people were all thinking of me, sending me their love and courage, well, I was overwhelmed.

Then I opened up the second envelope.

And that’s when I completely lost it. I haven’t bawled that hard in a long time. The second envelope was filled with checks. Unbeknownst to me, my friends put together a fundraiser since they found out about my setback, to help me cover the extra costs of recovery.

I’m still amazed. How do you say thank you for something like that? Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough.

It’s things like this that really make you feel less alone, that things are going to be okay, that there really is an abundance of love and kindness in the world.

One of the quotes written on the envelope was:

“When friendships are real, they are not glass threads, or frostwork, but the solidest things we know. A friend is the first person who comes in when the whole world has gone out.”

I love that. A friend is the first person who comes in when the whole world has gone out. It’s so true. Thank you to all of you for reaching out and helping me and letting me know you care.

Improv is deep, man

2006-09-06T21:12:00.000-07:00

I just got back from coaching an awesome all-girl improv group, The Box Fans, who will be performing at the Denver Improv Festival this October.

For those of you who don't know, Brian and I met in our college improv group, The Lords of Misrule, our freshman year of college. Two years after we graduated The Lords moved to New York to perform together and live together. Anyway, improv has been a big part of my life for a long time. I was excited to move back to Denver and start performing with Impulse Theater again and at my friends' new theater, MaDcap. Alas, I stopped rehearsing with both groups once I was put back on crutches last month. So, co-coaching (with Brian) The Box Fans has been super fun, and has kept me involved in the improv world.

Tonight I was inspired by a quote from Martin de Maat (amazing person and teacher): "Find the child in your partner. Respect that child."

See, this is what I love about improv: the tenets of improv--to listen, support, trust, have fun, play--are the tenets for life. Imagine if we all worked at finding the basic goodness in everyone in our lives and respected that.

Okay, not necessarily funny, but true.

How many times can I say “beautiful?"

2006-09-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: I received excellent news today—all that physical-therapy-insurance-crap has been sorted out. Hooray! It turns out Denver Physical Therapy had sent the claims to the wrong address. It’s nice to have easy answers once in a while!

Here’s my Telluride Report:
We had a wonderful time in Telluride this weekend. Well, except for at night, when B and I slept on the floor. After four nights, that was less-than-wonderful. It’s a tad depressing to admit that at 29 my back no longer thinks the floor is cool. But it WAS free, so I won’t complain (more).

All we did for four days straight is catch up with people we haven't seen in years, eat delicious Mexican food, sit around on Main Street people- and nature-watching, see a few movies, ride the gondola to Mountain Village, and have some drinks at night. Not too bad. Telluride is so beautiful that our conversation became redundant fast:
“Isn’t that beautiful?”
“Yes, completely gorgeous.”
“Hey, look, over there, it’s beautiful there, too!”
“Totally beautiful. And look there…amazing!”
“Wow…”
And so forth with much oohing and awing and pointing and picture-snapping.
On the way home we decided to take the scenic by-pass along 65 and went through Grand Mesa. WOAH. We hit a spot called Skypoint, and I think that was THE most beautiful vista I’ve ever seen. It basically had everything on the planet that is awe-inspiring—evergreens, a blue-blue sky, mountains, a winding river valley, Aspen leaves already changing to gold. I thought I would explode, but instead my eyes teared-up and I got real giddy.

Plus we got to see some movies after all, and we didn’t even have to sneak in. In fact, thanks to my wheelchair, at one theater we got the best seats in the house! We saw Little Children starring Kate Winslet and directed by the same guy who did Election. Little Children was totally disturbing, but EXCELLENT. Fabulous acting, gripping story, and just so well done overall. I’m sure it will be in theaters soon.

We also saw The Namesake, based on the book by Jhumpa Lahiri (who also wrote Interpreter of Maladies which is one the best books I’ve read this year—her writing is poetry). The Namesake, the movie, was (you guessed it) beautiful and made cry a whole lot.

Despite all the goodness, my knee swelled up on the first night and I was scared something would happen to me and I would be a six hour drive from my doctor. Fortunately it went down on the third day. (Why, I ask? It’s SO mysterious! I didn’t do anything to make it swell up and I didn’t do anything to make it unswell. Such a fickle little leg!) Also, there is always lots of drinking at night in Telluride, and while I still had some drinks (probably shouldn’t of, but who can resist drinking a margarita while watching the sunset? ::sigh::) the swelling reminded me that I’m “different” and still in the midst of my recovery. Instead of dancing all night like usual I sat and observed. (Though, I did briefly attempt some upper-body jigging on my stool…’cause I’m a CANdancer!)

My self-pity party didn’t last long after I met a cool guy named Felix who worked at the festival. (He was in a wheelchair too and asked me what I thought about accessibility in town--I said it worked for me...mind you, I said this while B was catching his breath behind me after having pushed me straight up hill for 15 minutes. Ha. Oh what would I do without sweet Brian.) Felix was just about the nicest, most upbeat person I met there. One day he rode up on his handcycle. This is the coolest invention! It’s made by a company called One-Off and was designed for adventurous people who don’t have use of their legs. It can do what a mountain bike can—climb mountain trails, go over rocks, through streams, whatever. Awesome. Felix also skied over 90 days last year. Pretty inspiring guy.

So that’s my Telluride report for this year. Overall, I’d say the experience was...beautiful.

(Thanks, Tim, for hosting us! I can’t wait to see YOUR film there next year!)

(The answer: 7)

I got a ticket to ride (TELLU-ride, that is)!

2006-08-31T08:06:00.000-07:00

This is the weekend of the fabulous Telluride Film Festival and B and I are leaving for Telluride today! I can’t wait! My friend Joanna flew in from London this week and she will be traveling down with us. I didn’t get a chance to blog yesterday because I was too busy getting life in order and getting ready to go, and today is pretty much the same. I probably won’t be able to blog until next week…so please come back and visit then!

We will be staying with my friend Tim, who has been working the Telluride Film Festival for the past eight or ten years. He’s a filmmaker and somehow he manages to work his schedule each year to take a month or two off and go work as a manager at the festival. Jealous? You’re jealous. (Oh wait, maybe that’s just me.) In 2001 Joanna and I also worked at the festival as interns for six weeks. It was like a summer camp for adults but we got to use power tools for arts and crafts time, and instead of Kool-Aid we drank a whole lot of Guinness.

I have to admit it will be weird to go back this year with crutches and a wheelchair. Mostly, I fear those instruments will make sneaking into to see movies pretty darn awkward to impossible. But, to steal a quote, “Everything is possible, the impossible just takes longer.”

MAJOR GRIEVANCE

2006-08-29T11:26:00.000-07:00

Man, O MAN! Is dealing with medical issues a PART-TIME job, or WHAT?!!! Yesterday I spent the entire morning talking to insurance people, my doctors, their nurses, and Apria medical suppliers just to get crutches and a wheelchair delivered.

Today I spent the entire morning dealing with this giant bucket of BS:

August 29, 2006

ATTN: GRIEVANCE
Empire BlueCross BlueShield HMO
PO Box 1407 Church Street Station
New York, NY 10008-1407

RE: Grievance for Physical Therapy

Dear Sir or Madam:

On December 15, 2005 I had major surgery to remove bone cancer (chondrosarcoma) from my left femur at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, under the care of Dr. John Healey. Since this surgery involved resecting and reimplanting 23cm of my femur and caused major trauma to my knee and the musculature of my left leg, I have required physical therapy over the months.

When I was in New York City, receiving physical therapy at MSKCC, all my sessions were covered. I never had to personally phone in for pre-authorization.

I applied for Away From Home Care Guest Membership in May, to maintain my coverage in both Denver and New York City. In July I was told by Dr. Healey that I could increase my weight-bearing and after seven months on crutches to move to a cane in hopes of learning to walk again without assistance. I needed a physical therapist once again.

I called the number on my Away From Home Care Guest Membership card to ask about coverage for physical therapy in Denver, and the woman assured me that I had 20 sessions covered.

I paid my co-payment of $10 for each session. Suddenly, today, I received a bill for $420 for three of my physical therapy sessions at Denver Physical Therapy, which I picked specifically because it was on the list of covered providers. I have five other sessions that I have not yet been billed for as well.

I am really at a loss as to why I am being billed. I called customer service and the nice woman I spoke to explained that I had needed pre-authorization. I hope you can understand that I didn’t know that Denver Physical Therapy had failed to do so, like my physical therapist at MSKCC had done—I thought that was the procedure. It was my understanding that by providing my insurance information to DPT and by calling HMO Colorado ahead of time to ensure I had sessions available to me, that I was covered.

I have been a member of Empire BlueCross for three years. This is the first complication I have had in my coverage, which I believe is due to the changes of moving and of applying for guest membership and of miscommunication. I am asking you to please understand and to provide a one-time courtesy and cover all the claims for physical therapy from Denver Physical Therapy. If you require more information from my surgeon or past or current physical therapists to explain the nature of my case and how therapy is needed to help me walk again, I am happy to provide that. I’m just a 29-year-old hoping to walk without a limp again! Thank you so much!

What’d you do?

2006-08-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

I’m curious how other cancer survivors out there respond—or responded—to people when they saw your bandage/ sling/ crutches/ etc., and said, “WHAT’D YOU DO?” I’ve have been asked this question SO many times over the past eight months, and I find it a funny question to respond to. I find it especially amusing now that I’m back in Colorado because I'm pretty sure people are thinking I was involved in some X-treme sporting accident. They almost always ask--with a smirk on their face--like they know the answer already (skiing, mountain biking, off-road unicycling, etc.). I’ve never been comfortable making up a pretend story, like,
Oh, you know, I got caught in a rockslide in Tasmania while trying to befriend a family of wombats.
Or:
I was attempting to be the first person to land a triple back-flip while juggling wombats, and it didn’t go so well—those suckers are feisty!
Or:
I was attacked at night by a band of marauding wombats.

But I never say any of these things. Sometimes I say, “Well, actually…” (always starting casual-like to ease in) “I had bone cancer removed from my leg…” (and then adding quickly) “…but they got it, and I’m all better now!!!” (big smile). A couple times when I didn’t add the cushion of casualness and the all-better-now assurance, I felt unsettled by the person’s visible shock and discomfort. I mean, I’m young and healthy looking; they were waiting for a great X-treme sport story and I blast them with BONE CANCER.

Now, when I’m feeling too lazy to tell the whole truth, I just say, “Oh, I had surgery.” And somehow, I’ve never been pressed on that answer. It’s nice and easy and we all feel better for it.
I don’t know. Should I stick to the truth or start using my wombat stories?
What do you say about your visible signs of healing?

Pimp My Ride

2006-08-25T20:09:00.000-07:00

I received official word from my doctors today. They even (finally) talked to each other about me (I feel so special!). The conclusion is that I should remain on crutches for another month. I will fly to see Dr. Healey mid-October. The good news (well, in addition to not needing surgery at this point) is that I’m on 50% weight-bearing, instead of toe-touch. And you know what that means: I can still do down-dog (one of my favorite yoga poses). That’s great news.

Also, I’ve been working on pimpin’ out my crutches today. After eight months, they are in terrible shape, so I’ve been doing some accessory-shopping online. So far I have a handy-dandy crutch bag and fluffy new arm and hand pads on the way. I also bought a simple water bottle bag with a shoulder strap for $5. (I can’t believe I didn’t invest in THAT from the start.) It’s pretty sweet. I will call my insurance company on Monday to see if I can get all-new crutches, if not, I’ll also be buying some new tips and grips. You’d be amazed at what’s available out there in crutch fashion! I ogled over these fancy-pants “Asian-inspiration” crutches, but they’re ridiculously priced. It sounds like a good organization though, LemonAid—great name too—and half their profits go to Step With Hope.

I’m also working on getting a wheelchair rental and a temporary handicap parking sticker. I’ll be ridin’ in style soon—aw, yeah.

This is what I feel like right now...

2006-08-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

(If you can't see the image, click on the white box and it should pop-up)

This puppy looks how I feel. Why, you ask? Okay, sure, I'll tell you...

FIRST: I paid $43 dollars for an iced vanilla latte today. You might be thinking that's a mighty hefty price to pay for a caffeine buzz, and I'd have to agree with you. Let’s break it down:
$1 for the organic 12oz milk I bought to put in the coffee
$2 for the iced Americano with vanilla
$40 for the parking ticket I got because I:

Needed to get out of our apartment because it is so hot I feel like a South American Sloth when I’m in it.
There were no parking spots available in the coffee shop’s itty-bitty parking lot.
I was eight, yes, a mere eight minutes late getting back to my car because I misestimated the time it would take to pack up my stuff and get back to the car in my sloth-moving state.
The Denver parking meter police need some other crime to help stop so they don’t have to prey on slow-moving people with crutches who can’t add and subtract minutes properly.

(And yes, I'm just as suprised as you that I've gotten TWO parking tickets since starting this blog just a little over a week ago. I haven't received a ticket since B and I first moved back in May, and then BAM, two in one blogging week.)

SECOND: My muscles itch from being back on crutches again and all I want to do is flop down in exhaustion with my belly up like this little fella. (oh-my-gosh-isn’t-he-adORable!)

THIRD: After the long week of waiting and all my dramatic philosophizing, Dr. Kelly (who I will admit was much more personable and reasonable today) told me she that she can only guess that there is a small fracture (no mention of the word "catastrophic"--hooray!) but would not be able to tell me more without going in. Therefore, my best bet is to wait to hear from Dr. Healey, since he was actually in there before. (More waiting.) So I’m still in the same place: I might need further surgery, or I might just have to stay on crutches for many more months until the bone and/or fracture heal.

So, without further ado, I’m going to On Demand the first two episodes of the second season of Weeds right now, toast some organic pizza pockets, sip my all-natural raspberry ginger ale, and relax, belly (and leg) up. Ahhhh….

Now

2006-08-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, here’s a thought really quickly (I leave for my appt. in 5 minutes):

Brian and I saw Peaceful Warrior on Monday night. We both read the book a while ago too, but it was a good message to hear again. (It’s a pretty amazing mostly-true story.) It’s all about living in the NOW, and how we are not fully awake in life until we really attune ourselves to the present moment. This morning when I was reading my morning chapter from Shambala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior, this message came up again. The chapter was all about letting go, about releasing all the junk in our brain that takes us away from fully living life and finding relaxation within discipline (the discipline of being present and genuine at all times):

“The result of practicing the discipline of warriorship is that you learn to stop ambition and frivolity, and out of that you develop a good sense of balance. Balance comes not from holding onto a situation, but by making friends with heaven and earth.” (Heaven being vision and earth being practicality.) I have to say, that explains exactly what I strive for in life, but yet, at most times it feels so difficult to fully achieve.

I’ve just been WAITING for over a week now.

It’s a strange place to be: knowing that you are just a day, hours, minutes away from hearing news that could immediately change your life. Of course, we have all been in this place before, whether we knew it or not, and could be there again in an instant.

So during some moments today I felt serene—enjoying being able to go to the coffee shop and work, going to my favorite vegetarian restaurant for lunch—knowing I could be in the hospital again tomorrow makes today a great day. When you know there is no point in making plans for the future when your future is TBD by forces outside yourself, there is also no point in worrying about the future; it’s best to just submit and be totally in the now. Of course, most days aren’t like this--you have to find that balance of living in the moment and having vision for your future and higher self. Now, I’m off…

ARRRGGG!

2006-08-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

Beware, a rant…

Okay, I know that surgeons are big, important, busy people, but seriously, if they’re going to easily bat around words like “catastrophic” and “failure” in regards to your leg, couldn’t they at least call a girl back?!

I’ve called Dr. Kelly and Dr. Healey a couple times in the last two days. Neither have reported back to me if my leg will combust soon and if I should take measures to prevent this from happening. Apparently Dr. Healey’s office has not received my x-rays from the Institute for Limb Preservation here in Denver, which means they sent the disc regular mail instead of Fed-ex (thanks). When I spoke with Dr. Kelly’s office on Monday they told me she would look at the x-rays and call me back. I asked if I should make an appointment and they said, No, wait to hear from Dr. Kelly. Well, I waited.

I left messages yesterday too, same deal. Today I finally spoke to someone who tells me my x-rays are still sitting in a pile on her desk and I was supposed to make an appointment as soon as they received the x-rays (hello, how would I know when they received their mail? And why am I being blamed for other people in their office telling me to wait to hear back?!). So now I have an appointment for tomorrow at 3pm, only so she will be forced to look at my x-rays while I’m waiting in her office, instead of just looking at them now and telling me if my hardware is indeed in danger. (The nurse assured me—with much tripping over his words—that this was not “lazy” on the part of Dr. Kelly, it’s just that she’s SO busy…and, basically, saying in different words what I guessed: that me sitting there will be her only motivating factor to glance at a scan.) I’m so annoyed I could scream. I’m so unimpressed with Dr. Kelly. As soon as this mess is sorted out, I will find a new ortho-oncologist in Denver. I miss living near MSKCC.

Another edition of This Old Bone…

2006-08-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea of having “hardware” inside of me, and of its failing. It’s weird being a human with internal hardware that needs a fixer-up. I thought maybe the fact that it’s failing might be because I had a surgeon do the internal construction instead of a carpenter (silly me!). My dad is a carpenter and I used to watch This Old House with him all the time. I thought maybe TOH would have a solution for securing my metal plate (let’s call it femoral “siding”), so I went to their web site and they did! All I had to do was replace “house” with “bone.” Perfect!

Welcome to This Old Bone:
Whether it’s cracked, rotted, or the victim of a woodpecker’s bill (we really, don’t know what happened to cause things to fail, and I was in nature a few weekends ago), a damaged strip of siding is an open invitation for leaks to wreak havoc on a bone. So when a piece needs fixing, it’s a task that merits a big red flag on the “To do” list (too true!).

Replacing broken siding isn’t that difficult (oh goody!), but as This Old Bone general contractor Tom Silva shows it’s a delicate process that takes patience and precision. “If you’re not careful, it’s easy to break the surrounding bone,” he says, “and then you’ll end up installing much more new siding than you intended.” (Good advice, Tom! Let’s be careful!)

Power tools are out for this job (phew!): too much vibration (and too bulky!). Siding repair is best done with hand tools—with one exception. “Forget the tape measure,” Tom says (noted). Instead, you can size the replacement using the old siding as a template, a simple technique that virtually guarantees a tight fit on the first try. (Sounds good!)

There’s a good lesson for you: When it comes to hardware, never send a surgeon to do a carpenter’s job!