New Year, Old Fears

Here's the thing. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year. I turn THIRTY in a month. And I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. How is that possible?For fun, I did my Tantric Numerology chart last week and it told me that when I'm not in balance, I'm indecisive because I can see every perspective so clearly that I can't decide which one to act on. NOT fun. I got mad about that little insight because it's SO TRUE. There are many things I love to do, but I can't focus on any of them. It feels like to make real money from doing things I enjoy--not just extra pocket cash here and there--I have to focus, or I'll be doing all these things, plus working a day job that is good and fine and comfortable, but not ultimately satisfying, for a long time.

It's not a unique plight, and it's not that I'm not happy—I am. It's just with the New Year and the third decade of my life facing me, my old anxieties have reared their ugly heads and are demanding RESULTS. A retirement fund! A title that doesn't include the word "assistant!" A nomination for best SOMETHING!I realize that this outer concept of success is false. I know this. But it doesn't mean it doesn't bubble up sometimes and make me grumpy. Inner peace can be a tiring goal in itself.

Maybe I'll give it all up--yoga, writing, performing—and just focus on my real dream: to be a SPY!

I've got my eye on you…