New Year, Old Fears

Here's the thing. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year. I turn THIRTY in a month. And I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. How is that possible?For fun, I did my Tantric Numerology chart last week and it told me that when I'm not in balance, I'm indecisive because I can see every perspective so clearly that I can't decide which one to act on. NOT fun. I got mad about that little insight because it's SO TRUE. There are many things I love to do, but I can't focus on any of them. It feels like to make real money from doing things I enjoy--not just extra pocket cash here and there--I have to focus, or I'll be doing all these things, plus working a day job that is good and fine and comfortable, but not ultimately satisfying, for a long time.

It's not a unique plight, and it's not that I'm not happy—I am. It's just with the New Year and the third decade of my life facing me, my old anxieties have reared their ugly heads and are demanding RESULTS. A retirement fund! A title that doesn't include the word "assistant!" A nomination for best SOMETHING!I realize that this outer concept of success is false. I know this. But it doesn't mean it doesn't bubble up sometimes and make me grumpy. Inner peace can be a tiring goal in itself.

Maybe I'll give it all up--yoga, writing, performing—and just focus on my real dream: to be a SPY!

I've got my eye on you…

Random snow thoughts

It's so snowy here! AGAIN! We are having our second blizzard in one week. I love that snow can cause a State of Emergency--two of them in one week, in fact. It's inconvenient that I don't own boots or an appropriate winter coat and that I have to stay inside, but it's lovely in that it's beautiful, I have enough food to survive, and it gives me an excuse to stay inside.

The good news is, I've curbed my video game playing. The mania lasted two weeks, and now I can enjoy a healthy dose, without it being all-consuming. Phew. (I was scared there for a while.) However, now ALL I want to do is sit on the couch, or in the bay window, and stare out at the snow. Despite my lazy desires, I've made myself do my yoga practice and PT daily, and, of course, that work thing. The one thing about working from home during a state of emergency is that you don't get a snow day from work. Boo. (Sadly, Brian also missed out on the snow day today, because he's only ten blocks from work...but don't worry, he's bitter about it.)

I'm feeling a lot stronger--my limp is less severe--and I'm finding I have the inclination to move about without reaching for my cane first, which is exciting. It was weird at first...like, oh no! I'm walking without my cane! My leg might collapse! But of course, it didn't. Which is pretty sweet.

My mom flew into town for Christmas (from California, and boy-oh-boy she could not stop talking about there are NO blizzards in California). We joined Brian's family in their Christmas Eve celebration. His step-brother and step-sister have two kids each, and they are about the four cutest, sweetest children EVER! I really can't believe how smiley and sweet they are. If I could gaurantee our children would turn out like that, I wouldn't fear having kids so much. (Don't get excited mom--the point is, I CAN'T get a gaurantee!) Speaking of adorable babies, on Tuesday, Brian and I went out with friends and one of our friends brought along his fourteen-month old boy. Who is ALSO one of the cutest children ever born. (It's like a conspiracy to trick me or something.) But the reason I mention this little guy is because I noticed as he was waddling around, that he walks just like me!!! Ha! (Have I mentioned how weird it is being 29 and learning how to walk again?)

We got a lot of nice gifts from our family. My mom got me the COOLEST meditation chair, called the wandering monk, made with green silk fabric, embroidered with dragonflies. It's so beautiful, and it has changed my meditation life, just as I suspected it would. I will find inner peace in 2007, and all because of my pretty new chair!

I could use the inner peace, because, frankly, I'm recovering from some pretty traumatic family events that took place last week. Things got resolved somewhat the day before Christmas Eve, but the week prior was a living hell. Last week's blizzard came with fear and despair; this week's blizzard brings peace and calm and the hope of the new year. That's what's amazing about life: this week is nothing like last week. You recover and move on.

Enjoy the snow.

Cancerversary!

Hey All,

It's my cancerversary today! Can you believe my surgery was this day last year? I can't. It feels like just the other day and two lifetimes ago all at once. This time last year many of you were pacing the waiting room at MSKCC, and many of you were elsewhere praying for me. Last night I was remembering the night before my surgery--having my friends and mom over to draw on my leg in permanent marker with messages to the doctors like "Not this leg!" (for my right leg) and "We love Dr. Healey" on my left. And the nice conference/encouragement call with the McManus clan (and Botts!).

One of the first memories I had this morning was waking up after the ten hours I was under for surgery to those confounded tubes in my throat and seeing my mom and Brian--wanting to talk to them, but being told I couldn't get the tubes out until I could stay awake for more 20 minutes straight, and it was SUCH a hard task! I remember my mom staying with me in the hospital that first night (thank god), and Brian running from Brooklyn during the transit strike to come visit me, and Perry bringing me those little pink gloves when my hands were so cold, and Megan having to calm down the nurse when I was about to pass out trying to do PT. The notebook Matt made me, the card Tim gave me, and all the beautiful flowers and cards and balloons and love you all sent me. I still have all the cards that I recieved, and the notes from the flowers, and I should get them out and type them out--but they're all the way downtstairs!

To celebrate today, I went to lunch with Andrea, who I posted about in August or October. She is more than 50 days out of her successful bone marrow transplant and doing well. It turns out she had surgery for her Osteosarcoma in 1999, also on December 15th. We share the same cancerversary! She has an amazingly strong spirit and presence and it was so good to finally meet her.

Also, Brian is having a little gathering of friends over tonight (well, hopefully, he sent out the email last night, so it might just be the two of us!).

I just want to let you--my friends, family, those in the cancer community I've met online--know how thankful I am for your support and love this past year. Thank you, thank you.

Wii did my life go?

Some of you may be wondering where I’ve gone for the past few weeks. Well, the answer is both simple and terrifying: I’ve been consumed by Brian’s new Nintendo Wii system!!! Ah! How did this happen? I’m turning into my fiancé! I’m turning into a…a…video game addict!

Looking back at my last blog, I find today’s topic hilarious in comparison. So much for creating healthy habits—I am now the polar opposite of that cleansed, good-intentioned-yogi I was way back then.

After five years of living with Brian, and making fun of how many hours he fritters away playing video games, I am now addicted to Excite Truck. Seriously, it is SO fun. AND, frankly, I’m like, totally awesome at it. I beat the first Excite level in a few days, and I’m only three courses away from beating Super Excite. Yeah!

But, dude. I am like an addict because I can’t put it down even when it’s hurting me: my neck, hand, and shoulder are almost in worse condition after a week of Excite Truck than my last few months on crutches. There were a few times I didn’t stop for meals when I was hungry (the new Excite Diet, anyone?). And worst of all, as I worked upstairs in my office all week, I couldn’t stop thinking of Super Five-Star Tree Runs and Super Air and Super Drifts that awaited me downstairs. Instead of taking yoga breaks, I took Excite breaks. (Oh, the shame.)

Wii Sports is pretty fun too. You can play baseball, tennis, bowling, golf, and boxing. You stand and swing the controller just like you would a bat, ball, club, or punch. It’s PHYSICALLY CHALLENGING without leaving your home or getting dirty or connecting with nature or people. I put Tiger Balm on my biceps after the first night of trying out all the games. (More shame.)

Bowling is the best, because you can have friends over to bowl in the privacy of your own home, with no smelly rental shoes! (But be careful—one friend slipped on our hard wood floors and hurt her back—eek! Might we need Wiinsurance?) The one way I can justify playing the sports games, is that it was good PT for my leg. Those batting, golfing, tennis and boxing stances are just like doing squats, but fun!

(Help.)